I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now, it's doing me a lot of good. Allowing me to see things that I would've never thought of before..
Count that as an intro.
We were talking recently about my "building my backbone" and she noted that it was good for me to be able to put my foot down with acquaintances or every day people. But sometimes, the people it's hardest to say "no" to, is those we care a great deal about. Because I'm so eager to make them happy, I wouldn't want to disappoint them by saying "no".
And we spoke about how, if it were to happen (again) and I had agreed to something that didn't really make me comfortable, that it was ok to go back to that person and let them know that I had done some thinking and that, I wasn't actually comfortable with what it was I agreed to, and state that I was backing out.
That I should do it in a way that wasn't accusatory and that I shouldn't elaborate too much on it, because when we explain too much, sometimes it's leads to confusion.
I had a similar thing happen to me today.. the problem with me is that, for some ppl I don't even bother to think things through. My bestie wants something, even if it's something I'd never do for someone else, and that I'm already a bit bothered by it, I'll say "yes" anyways.
He wanted me to use my ebay account to make an offer on an item he wanted. He had tried 3 times and had been refused each time, the item was no locked for him so he couldn't make another offer. So he asked if I could use my account and make 2 bids, try for two different amounts. From my understanding he wanted my info to log into my account and then take care of the purchase on his own? I don't give out my info like that, but I agreed to making the offer for him and just pay it for him, ship it to my place and drop it off at his place. How much run-around is needed to make a "no" seem like a "yes"..
So that's great, only he didn't read the listing properly. Import charges were listed, it was also listed that no other import charges would be applied at delivery. Only instead of reading the whole sentence, he only saw "no import charges will be applied". Selective reading.
So as I was proceeding with checkout, as all that's left for me is to pay in order to honour the terms and conditions, I was confirming the total price with him... only he hadn't factored in the import charges, as i guess he never saw them. He tells me to halt! Not to pay... that he'll write the seller tomorrow and have them cancel the bid.
I haven't paid it yet.. but I can't not pay. I can understand if it wasn't clearly indicated, but it was very clear. I had read about the import charges beforehand.... if this seller cancels it without penalizing me, that will be a VERY nice person. I wouldn't even bet a penny on it.
Because I didn't want to put up with violating terms, I decided that I would purchase it for me. I had been thinking about it, not for that price, but maybe later on.. but because he was now backing out and not wanting it anymore.. I was trying to convince myself to get it.
I couldn't possibly force him to go through with what he put me up to, could I? It'll be fine, I'll pay for it and it'll be ok. But as soon as I said that, he said he'd order and other one too.. so we wouldn't have to pay twice for shipping..... but it's the import charges he didn't want to cash out on and now he's ok with them? I don't get it.
He's hoping for a freebie, I pay for the charges and what I claim from him is less? I honestly.. don't know.
Here I am, sitting, working, trying to watch a tv show and all the while thinking how I just spent $45 on t-shirts.. I can't justify spending another $44 on something i don't really care for.
(lets not forget the last thing i say "yes" to, too quickly, to the same person.. that now has me spending $15/mth for a game I hardly play *plays to get money's worth.. but losing out on what I'd prefer to spend that money on.....)
So I tried to write him countless emails.. I sent one asking that he check if the import charges would go up.. so much for saying i didn't want to agree to it anymore..
I don't know if i did ok.. I finally sent him a note saying that i couldn't justify the expense and that i was holding him accountable because i don't want my account to lose good standing... but i don't know.. i tried not to make it accusatory. i tried to not give many explanations.. but it seems kurt. Like very. and i'm scared of what may come. will he understand? will he misunderstand? is it another fight in the brewing? gah.
It's true. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared of conflict. I'm scared of saying "no" because someone will think I'm a poor sport. I'm scared they'll go off and find someone more pleasing. And while I have some of these fears with regular people, they seem to be amplified when it's someone I hold in high regards. I have a loooooong way to go still.
