Or I don't even..
There are better days. Not every day is down in the dumps, I wouldn't say "I'm good" but maybe better than most. And then there are days like today, yesterday.. but today is a bit worse. Maybe it's because I've thought about things that stress me out, maybe it's because of the phone calls I knew I had to make, that caused me to feel so lethargic. I'm kicking myself because last Wednesday I received a call from my insurance. She asked me if it was a good time to talk and I said no. I was 30mins away from a meeting with a bank advisor to re-evaluate my mortgage and I needed to be in a right mind frame to be able to talk to her (the bank advisor is also female). So the insurance lady said she would contact me the next morning. She never did. It's been a week now.. did I misunderstand? I didn't catch her name, and just calling people stresses me out to no end. But at the same time, I need to know if my insurance is accepting my prolonged work absence. One of my stressors was lack of finances, I can tell you, not having a paycheck come in... it's not helping me much. My therapist should be back soon, if not already, and I would really like to go see her, but I don't have $70 to pay for my session. The bf is shelling out for some of my costs already, but he has his own expenses and I feel bad asking for more.. If I don't get paid soon, I'll also have to ask him to shell out for my bills..
I joined a gym in the last week of September, injured my back on the first day.. I'm such a klutz. My back is better now, not 100% but better. I went to the gym again Monday & Tuesday of this week, Wednesday I stayed home and exercised with Jillian Michael's 30 day shred (what a workout!). Yesterday I was lethargic, today was worse. Lethargy and depression.. bouts of uncontrolled crying. Yay me -_-
Managed to make it out a bit yesterday and today with the bf.
Friday, 6 October 2017
Monday, 18 September 2017
Life.. Bleak.. Bof..
Not sure if I'm ready to start talking about it, but I'm starting anyways. First steps, baby steps. Baby.. here come the tears yipee -_-
I was reading some of my past posts (far and few, I know), it's crazy how I've been able to track through times of depression and suicidal thoughts and still work.. but here I am, now, 4 yrs later, at a point where I can no longer work.. Depression? Burnout? My doc's used both terms to describe what I'm going through. Brought on by an overload of stress, financial, health-related and work-related. yay me -_- She's put me on an "arrêt de travail" indeterminately.
I had finished therapy back in Sept. 2013, things were going great! The way my therapist had put it, was that she had become "obsolete". I had dealt with things and overcome them, no longer being shoved aside, but actually dealt with. I loved myself. I still do.
I met a wonderful bf, who's still with me now, and supportive as ever.
But there has been a lot of stress over the years, from external sources. Things I've overlooked, and again pushed aside because I couldn't deal with them at the time. Things were unstable. Not in our relationship, but within the family. His family, my new family. I won't go into detail now, it's for another time, maybe even another place, it's also not far enough away to no longer become a threat again, that's it's probably safer to not talk about it. Everything will come out, eventually.
Since I think it's relevant to all this and probably helped to add stressors, I'll say this: from worrying and stressing over a life (or 8, mine included) that might be taken by force if a certain outcome were to happen.
To having to deal with financial issues and not being able to contribute in living with my bf, to worries about not performing well enough at work , pressure to always need to do more, perform better, even if the client you spoke with praised you of an amazing service, according to your supervisor you could have done better, basically no support from your supervisor, even in cases when the client was in the wrong and was unjustly racist towards you (when is racism ever justified? it's not! ever! But it felt as though it was.. like I said, NO support or backing from your supervisor), to having to deal with health issues, and so many unknowns pertaining to it, but it always helps to be told that if you don't get treatment it'll either lead to hemorrhaging or cancer. Yipee -_- Don't forget feeling broken, because on top of it all, my arch fell (hurts like a bitch and can barely walk) and I got patellar tendonitis in my knee (basically I turned and my knee didn't follow, my knee did shift though). Always lovely.
I had a hard time at work, when that racist fool yelled at me over the phone, I was shaking and crying (after he had hung up, I didn't give him the satisfaction of crying on the phone, my adrenaline was too jacked up), you would think I would have support from some supervisors, and while I received some sort of compassion from one (he told me to take the time I needed to recuperate), my immediate supervisor brushed it and me aside.
I had another problematic case, on that fateful Wednesday.. We're expected to be more than perfect in our calls and to do our work properly and if someone hasn't done their work, we are obliged to do it, otherwise we get in trouble.. So I had to get screamed at by a client because another agent had told her he would fix her file (which of course he didn't when he realized it would be complicated), I go through the trouble of having to call different departments to get her file transferred, leaving a note in the original file so that if the client were to call back (she hung up after being put on hold), they would know that I was still dealing with her file.. but coworkers overlooked the notes, did to their pleasing, and when I tried to get some form of assistance from supervisors.. I was met by static. Imagine not being able to talk to a supervisor directly, because they expect you to talk to senior help first, but the people you talk to at the senior desk have no clue and can't take a decision for themselves. So not only are you already frustrated, you have to deal with an imbecile who doesn't understand what the problem is... it's like you have to word it so a 5 yr old would understand and even then, you're lucky if they do. -_-
I had to work overtime to fix the problem my coworker created because he didn't bother to read my note, I had to run around trying to call the client back... and while I was doing all that, another coworker messed up the file as well, I was seething! I had an anxiety attack. I was crying uncontrollably, shaking, head spinning, I couldn't breathe, my limbs went numb, I had no strength, if I had gotten up I would've fallen to the ground.
That evening, after hours of crying uncontrollably and finally passing out, I went out to do some groceries. I was scared by what I had felt, how I had reacted that I decided it would be best to contact my therapist (the same one I had in the past), because I didn't want to reach a point of wanting to take my life again. Obviously it was too late to call by then, so I was going to call after work on Thursday.
Thursday morning, I started taking calls, I wasn't able to talk normally, I was constantly holding back tears. People were chipper, and here I am, trying not to burst out crying. I had sent an email to my supervisor the previous day, mainly to place a complaint against the coworker who hadn't done his job properly and had led to the whole fiasco I had to live through. I hadn't read my emails Thursday morning, because I didn't know if I'd be able to read them without getting emotional.
Instead of a concerned email from my supervisor, I received a very angry and hostile reply. And honestly, I collapsed. Tears poured out, and when she finally sent me a concerned message, I told her I was having a mental breakdown. It really felt like it. She had me call her, and over the phone, told me "you know, I help you however I can, but right now I can't help you anymore". She suggested I talk to my doctor, and maybe take some time off, that she could take from my vacation time?
I told her I was going to contact my therapist and see her the next day, so I took the rest of that day and the Friday off..
I've been off since the 24th of August. I was seeing my therapist on a consistent basis, numerous times per week. If I have set appointments it's easier to get out of the house.
I saw my family doctor, who initially gave me until the 16th of September and re-evaluated me again on the 15th of September.
I've been told to do things that make me happy, do things that maybe I've always wanted to do but never found time, to go walking daily and do exercise daily. I'm not on anti-depressants yet, she wants me to keep trying on my own for the time being. I'm actually a little scared to be on pills, I'm already on 1/4 doses of sleeping pills (because I haven't had a good sleep in over a year.. and half doses were too strong).
My therapist is now on vacation (out of country) until October, my last in-person session with her was Sept 1st. I can still contact her by email, but it has been harder to get out of the house (or even bed) on some days. I was still going to physio, but now even she (my physiotherapist) is on vacation until October.. and my family doc is now also out of the country on vacation. I picked a wonderful time to break to pieces -_-
On a plus side, my bf is finally back from his business trip. He was overseas since July and just returned last Monday (Sept), it was hard with him away. Skyping isn't the same as having him here. He's been very supportive, more so than usual since his return. He gets me out every day for a walk, even on days that I wouldn't be able to make it out, he drives (half drags) me out. His family have been very supportive as well since then found out back in August. They've been keeping me with them, more than usual. To make sure I'm not alone. My mom has been popping over as well, and I've been seeing my sister. So I definitely have support.
There are days where things are hard. While I'm in the company of upbeat people, I can laugh and forget about my worries. Yet, there are days where things are a lot harder. Where I go along with people, but I'm not "there". Yesterday was one of those days, it was really pretty outside, the sun was shining, it was really hot, we went apple picking. I had fun, but on the way back it was enough to zone out... crazy thoughts coming in and out. would anyone miss me if I'm gone? What if I fell asleep just now in the car, but wouldn't wake up 'cause I'd be dead.. would the bf notice or just get upset because I didn't direct him to the next exit, thinking that I would only be asleep? What would I die from? What do people die from in their sleep? Do they sometimes just die? Like if they're old.. or is it always related to something? Like a clogged artery or a heart attack, etc..
And then I hear the bf calling me back, asking me something that snaps me out of that mindset.
I wake up and I'm in limbo. I'm overly sensitive, anything can make me start crying. Someone looking over me as I do something, someone talks to me in an elevated tone. I break down crying. Seeing babies.. knowing or rather not knowing if I'll ever be able to have one or will I need to get my uterus removed? Wondering if the ovo clinic will ever return my call because I need treatment.. Looking in the mirror and my face looks fatter than it was or that I remember it being.. and I have gained weight back. Lost 18lbs while the bf was away, gained 2lbs since his return (1 week today). Feeling hungry, not feeling hungry, not having strength to make food or get food.. Feeling sick to my tummy. Some days I don't feel hungry, but I force myself to eat because I know not eating anything isn't healthy, but other days I don't even have that drive.
Not sleeping..I got lazy last night because I had to cut half of a sleeping pill in half, so I decided to sleep without it.. got up to pee at least 6 times, tossed and turned the night away. Half a dose (3.75mg) of Zopiclone knocks me out (though I do wake up during the night, but less frequently), and the following day I can't do anything because I'm in a groggy state. Too exhausted to move, can barely make it to the washroom and so tired I could sleep all day but I can't sleep. It's a very off-putting feeling. So my doc recommended I take half of the original dose.
What the heck would anti-depression pills do? I have an aunt with a mental illness (schizophrenia), she's on meds for life to keep it under wraps. My mom tells me I currently have 2 other aunts suffering from depression, both on anti-depressants for over a year! (I know she said it to be supportive, but if anything it made me feel more depressed, will I still be feeling like this after 1 year.. but I don't want to hurt her feelings, so I didn't say anything to her).
If I start meds, would I need to rely on them for life too? I don't want to be dependent on pills. And what other side effects would it have? I know my aunt (the one with schizophrenia) her pills make her gain weight, it's one of the side effects. She walks a lot, everywhere and regardless of the weather, so she's not fat, but she has been in the past, and at times when she stops walking as much, she gains weight back exponentially! And when I say she walks a lot, I mean it, she gets up in the morning and walks everywhere. To get her coffee, to visit each of her sisters that live in the same city, to see her friends, she walks well over 3hrs per day!
My doc said she would keep me off anti-depressants for now, unless I wanted to take some. Nononononononononono! I guess if I keep feeling this way, maybe in the end I'll have to take them.. but hopefully, maybe I can get out of this and live a normal life again.
I was reading some of my past posts (far and few, I know), it's crazy how I've been able to track through times of depression and suicidal thoughts and still work.. but here I am, now, 4 yrs later, at a point where I can no longer work.. Depression? Burnout? My doc's used both terms to describe what I'm going through. Brought on by an overload of stress, financial, health-related and work-related. yay me -_- She's put me on an "arrêt de travail" indeterminately.
I had finished therapy back in Sept. 2013, things were going great! The way my therapist had put it, was that she had become "obsolete". I had dealt with things and overcome them, no longer being shoved aside, but actually dealt with. I loved myself. I still do.
I met a wonderful bf, who's still with me now, and supportive as ever.
But there has been a lot of stress over the years, from external sources. Things I've overlooked, and again pushed aside because I couldn't deal with them at the time. Things were unstable. Not in our relationship, but within the family. His family, my new family. I won't go into detail now, it's for another time, maybe even another place, it's also not far enough away to no longer become a threat again, that's it's probably safer to not talk about it. Everything will come out, eventually.
Since I think it's relevant to all this and probably helped to add stressors, I'll say this: from worrying and stressing over a life (or 8, mine included) that might be taken by force if a certain outcome were to happen.
To having to deal with financial issues and not being able to contribute in living with my bf, to worries about not performing well enough at work , pressure to always need to do more, perform better, even if the client you spoke with praised you of an amazing service, according to your supervisor you could have done better, basically no support from your supervisor, even in cases when the client was in the wrong and was unjustly racist towards you (when is racism ever justified? it's not! ever! But it felt as though it was.. like I said, NO support or backing from your supervisor), to having to deal with health issues, and so many unknowns pertaining to it, but it always helps to be told that if you don't get treatment it'll either lead to hemorrhaging or cancer. Yipee -_- Don't forget feeling broken, because on top of it all, my arch fell (hurts like a bitch and can barely walk) and I got patellar tendonitis in my knee (basically I turned and my knee didn't follow, my knee did shift though). Always lovely.
I had a hard time at work, when that racist fool yelled at me over the phone, I was shaking and crying (after he had hung up, I didn't give him the satisfaction of crying on the phone, my adrenaline was too jacked up), you would think I would have support from some supervisors, and while I received some sort of compassion from one (he told me to take the time I needed to recuperate), my immediate supervisor brushed it and me aside.
I had another problematic case, on that fateful Wednesday.. We're expected to be more than perfect in our calls and to do our work properly and if someone hasn't done their work, we are obliged to do it, otherwise we get in trouble.. So I had to get screamed at by a client because another agent had told her he would fix her file (which of course he didn't when he realized it would be complicated), I go through the trouble of having to call different departments to get her file transferred, leaving a note in the original file so that if the client were to call back (she hung up after being put on hold), they would know that I was still dealing with her file.. but coworkers overlooked the notes, did to their pleasing, and when I tried to get some form of assistance from supervisors.. I was met by static. Imagine not being able to talk to a supervisor directly, because they expect you to talk to senior help first, but the people you talk to at the senior desk have no clue and can't take a decision for themselves. So not only are you already frustrated, you have to deal with an imbecile who doesn't understand what the problem is... it's like you have to word it so a 5 yr old would understand and even then, you're lucky if they do. -_-
I had to work overtime to fix the problem my coworker created because he didn't bother to read my note, I had to run around trying to call the client back... and while I was doing all that, another coworker messed up the file as well, I was seething! I had an anxiety attack. I was crying uncontrollably, shaking, head spinning, I couldn't breathe, my limbs went numb, I had no strength, if I had gotten up I would've fallen to the ground.
That evening, after hours of crying uncontrollably and finally passing out, I went out to do some groceries. I was scared by what I had felt, how I had reacted that I decided it would be best to contact my therapist (the same one I had in the past), because I didn't want to reach a point of wanting to take my life again. Obviously it was too late to call by then, so I was going to call after work on Thursday.
Thursday morning, I started taking calls, I wasn't able to talk normally, I was constantly holding back tears. People were chipper, and here I am, trying not to burst out crying. I had sent an email to my supervisor the previous day, mainly to place a complaint against the coworker who hadn't done his job properly and had led to the whole fiasco I had to live through. I hadn't read my emails Thursday morning, because I didn't know if I'd be able to read them without getting emotional.
Instead of a concerned email from my supervisor, I received a very angry and hostile reply. And honestly, I collapsed. Tears poured out, and when she finally sent me a concerned message, I told her I was having a mental breakdown. It really felt like it. She had me call her, and over the phone, told me "you know, I help you however I can, but right now I can't help you anymore". She suggested I talk to my doctor, and maybe take some time off, that she could take from my vacation time?
I told her I was going to contact my therapist and see her the next day, so I took the rest of that day and the Friday off..
I've been off since the 24th of August. I was seeing my therapist on a consistent basis, numerous times per week. If I have set appointments it's easier to get out of the house.
I saw my family doctor, who initially gave me until the 16th of September and re-evaluated me again on the 15th of September.
I've been told to do things that make me happy, do things that maybe I've always wanted to do but never found time, to go walking daily and do exercise daily. I'm not on anti-depressants yet, she wants me to keep trying on my own for the time being. I'm actually a little scared to be on pills, I'm already on 1/4 doses of sleeping pills (because I haven't had a good sleep in over a year.. and half doses were too strong).
My therapist is now on vacation (out of country) until October, my last in-person session with her was Sept 1st. I can still contact her by email, but it has been harder to get out of the house (or even bed) on some days. I was still going to physio, but now even she (my physiotherapist) is on vacation until October.. and my family doc is now also out of the country on vacation. I picked a wonderful time to break to pieces -_-
On a plus side, my bf is finally back from his business trip. He was overseas since July and just returned last Monday (Sept), it was hard with him away. Skyping isn't the same as having him here. He's been very supportive, more so than usual since his return. He gets me out every day for a walk, even on days that I wouldn't be able to make it out, he drives (half drags) me out. His family have been very supportive as well since then found out back in August. They've been keeping me with them, more than usual. To make sure I'm not alone. My mom has been popping over as well, and I've been seeing my sister. So I definitely have support.
There are days where things are hard. While I'm in the company of upbeat people, I can laugh and forget about my worries. Yet, there are days where things are a lot harder. Where I go along with people, but I'm not "there". Yesterday was one of those days, it was really pretty outside, the sun was shining, it was really hot, we went apple picking. I had fun, but on the way back it was enough to zone out... crazy thoughts coming in and out. would anyone miss me if I'm gone? What if I fell asleep just now in the car, but wouldn't wake up 'cause I'd be dead.. would the bf notice or just get upset because I didn't direct him to the next exit, thinking that I would only be asleep? What would I die from? What do people die from in their sleep? Do they sometimes just die? Like if they're old.. or is it always related to something? Like a clogged artery or a heart attack, etc..
And then I hear the bf calling me back, asking me something that snaps me out of that mindset.
I wake up and I'm in limbo. I'm overly sensitive, anything can make me start crying. Someone looking over me as I do something, someone talks to me in an elevated tone. I break down crying. Seeing babies.. knowing or rather not knowing if I'll ever be able to have one or will I need to get my uterus removed? Wondering if the ovo clinic will ever return my call because I need treatment.. Looking in the mirror and my face looks fatter than it was or that I remember it being.. and I have gained weight back. Lost 18lbs while the bf was away, gained 2lbs since his return (1 week today). Feeling hungry, not feeling hungry, not having strength to make food or get food.. Feeling sick to my tummy. Some days I don't feel hungry, but I force myself to eat because I know not eating anything isn't healthy, but other days I don't even have that drive.
Not sleeping..I got lazy last night because I had to cut half of a sleeping pill in half, so I decided to sleep without it.. got up to pee at least 6 times, tossed and turned the night away. Half a dose (3.75mg) of Zopiclone knocks me out (though I do wake up during the night, but less frequently), and the following day I can't do anything because I'm in a groggy state. Too exhausted to move, can barely make it to the washroom and so tired I could sleep all day but I can't sleep. It's a very off-putting feeling. So my doc recommended I take half of the original dose.
What the heck would anti-depression pills do? I have an aunt with a mental illness (schizophrenia), she's on meds for life to keep it under wraps. My mom tells me I currently have 2 other aunts suffering from depression, both on anti-depressants for over a year! (I know she said it to be supportive, but if anything it made me feel more depressed, will I still be feeling like this after 1 year.. but I don't want to hurt her feelings, so I didn't say anything to her).
If I start meds, would I need to rely on them for life too? I don't want to be dependent on pills. And what other side effects would it have? I know my aunt (the one with schizophrenia) her pills make her gain weight, it's one of the side effects. She walks a lot, everywhere and regardless of the weather, so she's not fat, but she has been in the past, and at times when she stops walking as much, she gains weight back exponentially! And when I say she walks a lot, I mean it, she gets up in the morning and walks everywhere. To get her coffee, to visit each of her sisters that live in the same city, to see her friends, she walks well over 3hrs per day!
My doc said she would keep me off anti-depressants for now, unless I wanted to take some. Nononononononononono! I guess if I keep feeling this way, maybe in the end I'll have to take them.. but hopefully, maybe I can get out of this and live a normal life again.
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