Been feeling a bit better this past week. A bit. lulz Still, a bit is better than not at all and being stuck in the slums, so to speak. My friend got a job, not the one he was aiming for, but at the same company, a lower position but the company is a place where you can climb up the ladder, so it's good. I'm really happy for him =]
I had a talk with my mom this past weekend, I was able to admit to things that I didn't think possible. But I did, and it felt a lot better and seems to have done me some good to talk about it. I can't say things are 100% now, but they're better and that's what matters. I'm trying to keep things positive, I've been spending less time online, and I think that's actually helped me some. I was reading some notes this morning, that I had taken last summer, so much for consistency BUT at least they're still there and some of them still linger in my head. They were notes on setting goals, and how you shouldn't take these biiiig goals to work to, in say 5yrs time. The best thing to do is to make livable goals. Like giving yourself something small to work on, on a day to day basis, which can build up to something in 5yrs, but that you can make it more actionable, because you're breaking it down to something you can actually do a bit at a time.
There's also something that keeps replaying in my mind, from one of the books I'm reading (trying to.. I keep putting it aside for so long that when I pick it back up, I have to re-read from the beginning. No matter, the important thing, is that I'm reading it and the parts I'm re-reading, I think it's pushing it more into my thought process). There's this part about learning to love yourself, where you tell yourself that no matter what you do, what you've done today is enough. And in the notes I was reading this morning, he says (the person I was taking notes from), that you should only set a goal of 2 or 3 important things to do in a day.
"Be honest, you probably don't do more than three important things every day. I know I don't. Everyone has a certain amount of energy to get things done with. Everything you do takes up energy. Try to focus on two or three things to get done per day, not a hundred. If you choose to do a couple of things, you'll get them done (and feel good about it). Then, worse case is that you have more time, and you can add one more thing to your to-do list. Remember, these two or three things and important things (i.e. if you could only do three things today, what would they be?)."
So, that plays along with what I'm remembering about what you do in one day, being "enough".
I came to the conclusion, it had been a while, but I refused to speak of it, that I didn't love myself. Because right now, that how I feel. I talked to my mom about it.. like in my book it talks about loving ourselves and how that's a life-long journey. At some point in my life, I think I loved myself. But now, I'm not sure that I do.. and I'm not sure if I ever really did.. I'd like to believe I did.. but where did it change? How did I go from loving myself, to not loving myself.
Or is it just that I accepted me for me, and now, now that I've come to fear so much, I can no longer accept the same old me, unchanging, vulnerable.
I look at myself and hate what I see.. it's really hard to admit it. But I feel that I want to change SO much in me and about me, to the point where I might as well be someone else? But not be someone else, just be someone else. Haha ok, that probably only makes sense to me. But it's like in the sense that I change so much about myself, that although it's still me, it's not me anymore.
And I don't mean in the sense where I become someone else (that already exist) and just become a copy of someone else. But in the sense that I become someone new, wholly, like a new birth of a person? In that sense.
But at the same time, I look back and see that I've already started to change, things that I didn't want to associate myself with, I've started to accept again. Like part of my roots, that I just sort of pushed away, mainly because it was easier to deal with things if it wasn't in the way, even if it still followed me around everywhere. I've over the past while, been able to start opening that up again. This is a part of me. This is ok. Just because many ppl from these upbringings are of the same mentality, it doesn't make everyone the same. This is ok. Everyone is their own person. And I've started to become more open minded to certain things. Doesn't mean that I've become attracted to specific ppl, but at the same time, I don't shun or push them away, when I find out they share the same roots as me.
This whole issue of preferences, when looking for a s.o. I'm not looking, nor do I feel ready to start, because I firstly need happiness on my own, with myself before I can even think to "branch out". But we're just looking at preferences right now.
I'm attracted (mostly, but not only) to asian men. My friend is attracted (mostly, but not only, as she's not currently with one) Italian men. They are preferences. I don't hear comments along the lines of "eww why Italian men" etc. etc. but I often hear comments "ew why Asian men?"
I don't get it.. why do my preferences need to be approved by others.
I sometimes feel like I shouldn't do or say something so that ppl don't judge me.. and then I realise that I'm trying to please others, instead of not giving a fark and just going along with my life.
I look at other girls, who are big (some bigger than myself) and how they're doing great in a relationship, and think to myself "they're so big but they can be happy, why can't I find that? why can't I acheive that?" and I've realised, that it's not the fact that they're big or not, it has to do with their self-confidence, with their self-esteem, with their self-worth.. and I wonder, where did they learn that? How can I learn that? So that I too can be me, in my own skin, in whatever form that's in?
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