Or I don't even..
There are better days. Not every day is down in the dumps, I wouldn't say "I'm good" but maybe better than most. And then there are days like today, yesterday.. but today is a bit worse. Maybe it's because I've thought about things that stress me out, maybe it's because of the phone calls I knew I had to make, that caused me to feel so lethargic. I'm kicking myself because last Wednesday I received a call from my insurance. She asked me if it was a good time to talk and I said no. I was 30mins away from a meeting with a bank advisor to re-evaluate my mortgage and I needed to be in a right mind frame to be able to talk to her (the bank advisor is also female). So the insurance lady said she would contact me the next morning. She never did. It's been a week now.. did I misunderstand? I didn't catch her name, and just calling people stresses me out to no end. But at the same time, I need to know if my insurance is accepting my prolonged work absence. One of my stressors was lack of finances, I can tell you, not having a paycheck come in... it's not helping me much. My therapist should be back soon, if not already, and I would really like to go see her, but I don't have $70 to pay for my session. The bf is shelling out for some of my costs already, but he has his own expenses and I feel bad asking for more.. If I don't get paid soon, I'll also have to ask him to shell out for my bills..
I joined a gym in the last week of September, injured my back on the first day.. I'm such a klutz. My back is better now, not 100% but better. I went to the gym again Monday & Tuesday of this week, Wednesday I stayed home and exercised with Jillian Michael's 30 day shred (what a workout!). Yesterday I was lethargic, today was worse. Lethargy and depression.. bouts of uncontrolled crying. Yay me -_-
Managed to make it out a bit yesterday and today with the bf.
Friday, 6 October 2017
Monday, 18 September 2017
Life.. Bleak.. Bof..
Not sure if I'm ready to start talking about it, but I'm starting anyways. First steps, baby steps. Baby.. here come the tears yipee -_-
I was reading some of my past posts (far and few, I know), it's crazy how I've been able to track through times of depression and suicidal thoughts and still work.. but here I am, now, 4 yrs later, at a point where I can no longer work.. Depression? Burnout? My doc's used both terms to describe what I'm going through. Brought on by an overload of stress, financial, health-related and work-related. yay me -_- She's put me on an "arrêt de travail" indeterminately.
I had finished therapy back in Sept. 2013, things were going great! The way my therapist had put it, was that she had become "obsolete". I had dealt with things and overcome them, no longer being shoved aside, but actually dealt with. I loved myself. I still do.
I met a wonderful bf, who's still with me now, and supportive as ever.
But there has been a lot of stress over the years, from external sources. Things I've overlooked, and again pushed aside because I couldn't deal with them at the time. Things were unstable. Not in our relationship, but within the family. His family, my new family. I won't go into detail now, it's for another time, maybe even another place, it's also not far enough away to no longer become a threat again, that's it's probably safer to not talk about it. Everything will come out, eventually.
Since I think it's relevant to all this and probably helped to add stressors, I'll say this: from worrying and stressing over a life (or 8, mine included) that might be taken by force if a certain outcome were to happen.
To having to deal with financial issues and not being able to contribute in living with my bf, to worries about not performing well enough at work , pressure to always need to do more, perform better, even if the client you spoke with praised you of an amazing service, according to your supervisor you could have done better, basically no support from your supervisor, even in cases when the client was in the wrong and was unjustly racist towards you (when is racism ever justified? it's not! ever! But it felt as though it was.. like I said, NO support or backing from your supervisor), to having to deal with health issues, and so many unknowns pertaining to it, but it always helps to be told that if you don't get treatment it'll either lead to hemorrhaging or cancer. Yipee -_- Don't forget feeling broken, because on top of it all, my arch fell (hurts like a bitch and can barely walk) and I got patellar tendonitis in my knee (basically I turned and my knee didn't follow, my knee did shift though). Always lovely.
I had a hard time at work, when that racist fool yelled at me over the phone, I was shaking and crying (after he had hung up, I didn't give him the satisfaction of crying on the phone, my adrenaline was too jacked up), you would think I would have support from some supervisors, and while I received some sort of compassion from one (he told me to take the time I needed to recuperate), my immediate supervisor brushed it and me aside.
I had another problematic case, on that fateful Wednesday.. We're expected to be more than perfect in our calls and to do our work properly and if someone hasn't done their work, we are obliged to do it, otherwise we get in trouble.. So I had to get screamed at by a client because another agent had told her he would fix her file (which of course he didn't when he realized it would be complicated), I go through the trouble of having to call different departments to get her file transferred, leaving a note in the original file so that if the client were to call back (she hung up after being put on hold), they would know that I was still dealing with her file.. but coworkers overlooked the notes, did to their pleasing, and when I tried to get some form of assistance from supervisors.. I was met by static. Imagine not being able to talk to a supervisor directly, because they expect you to talk to senior help first, but the people you talk to at the senior desk have no clue and can't take a decision for themselves. So not only are you already frustrated, you have to deal with an imbecile who doesn't understand what the problem is... it's like you have to word it so a 5 yr old would understand and even then, you're lucky if they do. -_-
I had to work overtime to fix the problem my coworker created because he didn't bother to read my note, I had to run around trying to call the client back... and while I was doing all that, another coworker messed up the file as well, I was seething! I had an anxiety attack. I was crying uncontrollably, shaking, head spinning, I couldn't breathe, my limbs went numb, I had no strength, if I had gotten up I would've fallen to the ground.
That evening, after hours of crying uncontrollably and finally passing out, I went out to do some groceries. I was scared by what I had felt, how I had reacted that I decided it would be best to contact my therapist (the same one I had in the past), because I didn't want to reach a point of wanting to take my life again. Obviously it was too late to call by then, so I was going to call after work on Thursday.
Thursday morning, I started taking calls, I wasn't able to talk normally, I was constantly holding back tears. People were chipper, and here I am, trying not to burst out crying. I had sent an email to my supervisor the previous day, mainly to place a complaint against the coworker who hadn't done his job properly and had led to the whole fiasco I had to live through. I hadn't read my emails Thursday morning, because I didn't know if I'd be able to read them without getting emotional.
Instead of a concerned email from my supervisor, I received a very angry and hostile reply. And honestly, I collapsed. Tears poured out, and when she finally sent me a concerned message, I told her I was having a mental breakdown. It really felt like it. She had me call her, and over the phone, told me "you know, I help you however I can, but right now I can't help you anymore". She suggested I talk to my doctor, and maybe take some time off, that she could take from my vacation time?
I told her I was going to contact my therapist and see her the next day, so I took the rest of that day and the Friday off..
I've been off since the 24th of August. I was seeing my therapist on a consistent basis, numerous times per week. If I have set appointments it's easier to get out of the house.
I saw my family doctor, who initially gave me until the 16th of September and re-evaluated me again on the 15th of September.
I've been told to do things that make me happy, do things that maybe I've always wanted to do but never found time, to go walking daily and do exercise daily. I'm not on anti-depressants yet, she wants me to keep trying on my own for the time being. I'm actually a little scared to be on pills, I'm already on 1/4 doses of sleeping pills (because I haven't had a good sleep in over a year.. and half doses were too strong).
My therapist is now on vacation (out of country) until October, my last in-person session with her was Sept 1st. I can still contact her by email, but it has been harder to get out of the house (or even bed) on some days. I was still going to physio, but now even she (my physiotherapist) is on vacation until October.. and my family doc is now also out of the country on vacation. I picked a wonderful time to break to pieces -_-
On a plus side, my bf is finally back from his business trip. He was overseas since July and just returned last Monday (Sept), it was hard with him away. Skyping isn't the same as having him here. He's been very supportive, more so than usual since his return. He gets me out every day for a walk, even on days that I wouldn't be able to make it out, he drives (half drags) me out. His family have been very supportive as well since then found out back in August. They've been keeping me with them, more than usual. To make sure I'm not alone. My mom has been popping over as well, and I've been seeing my sister. So I definitely have support.
There are days where things are hard. While I'm in the company of upbeat people, I can laugh and forget about my worries. Yet, there are days where things are a lot harder. Where I go along with people, but I'm not "there". Yesterday was one of those days, it was really pretty outside, the sun was shining, it was really hot, we went apple picking. I had fun, but on the way back it was enough to zone out... crazy thoughts coming in and out. would anyone miss me if I'm gone? What if I fell asleep just now in the car, but wouldn't wake up 'cause I'd be dead.. would the bf notice or just get upset because I didn't direct him to the next exit, thinking that I would only be asleep? What would I die from? What do people die from in their sleep? Do they sometimes just die? Like if they're old.. or is it always related to something? Like a clogged artery or a heart attack, etc..
And then I hear the bf calling me back, asking me something that snaps me out of that mindset.
I wake up and I'm in limbo. I'm overly sensitive, anything can make me start crying. Someone looking over me as I do something, someone talks to me in an elevated tone. I break down crying. Seeing babies.. knowing or rather not knowing if I'll ever be able to have one or will I need to get my uterus removed? Wondering if the ovo clinic will ever return my call because I need treatment.. Looking in the mirror and my face looks fatter than it was or that I remember it being.. and I have gained weight back. Lost 18lbs while the bf was away, gained 2lbs since his return (1 week today). Feeling hungry, not feeling hungry, not having strength to make food or get food.. Feeling sick to my tummy. Some days I don't feel hungry, but I force myself to eat because I know not eating anything isn't healthy, but other days I don't even have that drive.
Not sleeping..I got lazy last night because I had to cut half of a sleeping pill in half, so I decided to sleep without it.. got up to pee at least 6 times, tossed and turned the night away. Half a dose (3.75mg) of Zopiclone knocks me out (though I do wake up during the night, but less frequently), and the following day I can't do anything because I'm in a groggy state. Too exhausted to move, can barely make it to the washroom and so tired I could sleep all day but I can't sleep. It's a very off-putting feeling. So my doc recommended I take half of the original dose.
What the heck would anti-depression pills do? I have an aunt with a mental illness (schizophrenia), she's on meds for life to keep it under wraps. My mom tells me I currently have 2 other aunts suffering from depression, both on anti-depressants for over a year! (I know she said it to be supportive, but if anything it made me feel more depressed, will I still be feeling like this after 1 year.. but I don't want to hurt her feelings, so I didn't say anything to her).
If I start meds, would I need to rely on them for life too? I don't want to be dependent on pills. And what other side effects would it have? I know my aunt (the one with schizophrenia) her pills make her gain weight, it's one of the side effects. She walks a lot, everywhere and regardless of the weather, so she's not fat, but she has been in the past, and at times when she stops walking as much, she gains weight back exponentially! And when I say she walks a lot, I mean it, she gets up in the morning and walks everywhere. To get her coffee, to visit each of her sisters that live in the same city, to see her friends, she walks well over 3hrs per day!
My doc said she would keep me off anti-depressants for now, unless I wanted to take some. Nononononononononono! I guess if I keep feeling this way, maybe in the end I'll have to take them.. but hopefully, maybe I can get out of this and live a normal life again.
I was reading some of my past posts (far and few, I know), it's crazy how I've been able to track through times of depression and suicidal thoughts and still work.. but here I am, now, 4 yrs later, at a point where I can no longer work.. Depression? Burnout? My doc's used both terms to describe what I'm going through. Brought on by an overload of stress, financial, health-related and work-related. yay me -_- She's put me on an "arrêt de travail" indeterminately.
I had finished therapy back in Sept. 2013, things were going great! The way my therapist had put it, was that she had become "obsolete". I had dealt with things and overcome them, no longer being shoved aside, but actually dealt with. I loved myself. I still do.
I met a wonderful bf, who's still with me now, and supportive as ever.
But there has been a lot of stress over the years, from external sources. Things I've overlooked, and again pushed aside because I couldn't deal with them at the time. Things were unstable. Not in our relationship, but within the family. His family, my new family. I won't go into detail now, it's for another time, maybe even another place, it's also not far enough away to no longer become a threat again, that's it's probably safer to not talk about it. Everything will come out, eventually.
Since I think it's relevant to all this and probably helped to add stressors, I'll say this: from worrying and stressing over a life (or 8, mine included) that might be taken by force if a certain outcome were to happen.
To having to deal with financial issues and not being able to contribute in living with my bf, to worries about not performing well enough at work , pressure to always need to do more, perform better, even if the client you spoke with praised you of an amazing service, according to your supervisor you could have done better, basically no support from your supervisor, even in cases when the client was in the wrong and was unjustly racist towards you (when is racism ever justified? it's not! ever! But it felt as though it was.. like I said, NO support or backing from your supervisor), to having to deal with health issues, and so many unknowns pertaining to it, but it always helps to be told that if you don't get treatment it'll either lead to hemorrhaging or cancer. Yipee -_- Don't forget feeling broken, because on top of it all, my arch fell (hurts like a bitch and can barely walk) and I got patellar tendonitis in my knee (basically I turned and my knee didn't follow, my knee did shift though). Always lovely.
I had a hard time at work, when that racist fool yelled at me over the phone, I was shaking and crying (after he had hung up, I didn't give him the satisfaction of crying on the phone, my adrenaline was too jacked up), you would think I would have support from some supervisors, and while I received some sort of compassion from one (he told me to take the time I needed to recuperate), my immediate supervisor brushed it and me aside.
I had another problematic case, on that fateful Wednesday.. We're expected to be more than perfect in our calls and to do our work properly and if someone hasn't done their work, we are obliged to do it, otherwise we get in trouble.. So I had to get screamed at by a client because another agent had told her he would fix her file (which of course he didn't when he realized it would be complicated), I go through the trouble of having to call different departments to get her file transferred, leaving a note in the original file so that if the client were to call back (she hung up after being put on hold), they would know that I was still dealing with her file.. but coworkers overlooked the notes, did to their pleasing, and when I tried to get some form of assistance from supervisors.. I was met by static. Imagine not being able to talk to a supervisor directly, because they expect you to talk to senior help first, but the people you talk to at the senior desk have no clue and can't take a decision for themselves. So not only are you already frustrated, you have to deal with an imbecile who doesn't understand what the problem is... it's like you have to word it so a 5 yr old would understand and even then, you're lucky if they do. -_-
I had to work overtime to fix the problem my coworker created because he didn't bother to read my note, I had to run around trying to call the client back... and while I was doing all that, another coworker messed up the file as well, I was seething! I had an anxiety attack. I was crying uncontrollably, shaking, head spinning, I couldn't breathe, my limbs went numb, I had no strength, if I had gotten up I would've fallen to the ground.
That evening, after hours of crying uncontrollably and finally passing out, I went out to do some groceries. I was scared by what I had felt, how I had reacted that I decided it would be best to contact my therapist (the same one I had in the past), because I didn't want to reach a point of wanting to take my life again. Obviously it was too late to call by then, so I was going to call after work on Thursday.
Thursday morning, I started taking calls, I wasn't able to talk normally, I was constantly holding back tears. People were chipper, and here I am, trying not to burst out crying. I had sent an email to my supervisor the previous day, mainly to place a complaint against the coworker who hadn't done his job properly and had led to the whole fiasco I had to live through. I hadn't read my emails Thursday morning, because I didn't know if I'd be able to read them without getting emotional.
Instead of a concerned email from my supervisor, I received a very angry and hostile reply. And honestly, I collapsed. Tears poured out, and when she finally sent me a concerned message, I told her I was having a mental breakdown. It really felt like it. She had me call her, and over the phone, told me "you know, I help you however I can, but right now I can't help you anymore". She suggested I talk to my doctor, and maybe take some time off, that she could take from my vacation time?
I told her I was going to contact my therapist and see her the next day, so I took the rest of that day and the Friday off..
I've been off since the 24th of August. I was seeing my therapist on a consistent basis, numerous times per week. If I have set appointments it's easier to get out of the house.
I saw my family doctor, who initially gave me until the 16th of September and re-evaluated me again on the 15th of September.
I've been told to do things that make me happy, do things that maybe I've always wanted to do but never found time, to go walking daily and do exercise daily. I'm not on anti-depressants yet, she wants me to keep trying on my own for the time being. I'm actually a little scared to be on pills, I'm already on 1/4 doses of sleeping pills (because I haven't had a good sleep in over a year.. and half doses were too strong).
My therapist is now on vacation (out of country) until October, my last in-person session with her was Sept 1st. I can still contact her by email, but it has been harder to get out of the house (or even bed) on some days. I was still going to physio, but now even she (my physiotherapist) is on vacation until October.. and my family doc is now also out of the country on vacation. I picked a wonderful time to break to pieces -_-
On a plus side, my bf is finally back from his business trip. He was overseas since July and just returned last Monday (Sept), it was hard with him away. Skyping isn't the same as having him here. He's been very supportive, more so than usual since his return. He gets me out every day for a walk, even on days that I wouldn't be able to make it out, he drives (half drags) me out. His family have been very supportive as well since then found out back in August. They've been keeping me with them, more than usual. To make sure I'm not alone. My mom has been popping over as well, and I've been seeing my sister. So I definitely have support.
There are days where things are hard. While I'm in the company of upbeat people, I can laugh and forget about my worries. Yet, there are days where things are a lot harder. Where I go along with people, but I'm not "there". Yesterday was one of those days, it was really pretty outside, the sun was shining, it was really hot, we went apple picking. I had fun, but on the way back it was enough to zone out... crazy thoughts coming in and out. would anyone miss me if I'm gone? What if I fell asleep just now in the car, but wouldn't wake up 'cause I'd be dead.. would the bf notice or just get upset because I didn't direct him to the next exit, thinking that I would only be asleep? What would I die from? What do people die from in their sleep? Do they sometimes just die? Like if they're old.. or is it always related to something? Like a clogged artery or a heart attack, etc..
And then I hear the bf calling me back, asking me something that snaps me out of that mindset.
I wake up and I'm in limbo. I'm overly sensitive, anything can make me start crying. Someone looking over me as I do something, someone talks to me in an elevated tone. I break down crying. Seeing babies.. knowing or rather not knowing if I'll ever be able to have one or will I need to get my uterus removed? Wondering if the ovo clinic will ever return my call because I need treatment.. Looking in the mirror and my face looks fatter than it was or that I remember it being.. and I have gained weight back. Lost 18lbs while the bf was away, gained 2lbs since his return (1 week today). Feeling hungry, not feeling hungry, not having strength to make food or get food.. Feeling sick to my tummy. Some days I don't feel hungry, but I force myself to eat because I know not eating anything isn't healthy, but other days I don't even have that drive.
Not sleeping..I got lazy last night because I had to cut half of a sleeping pill in half, so I decided to sleep without it.. got up to pee at least 6 times, tossed and turned the night away. Half a dose (3.75mg) of Zopiclone knocks me out (though I do wake up during the night, but less frequently), and the following day I can't do anything because I'm in a groggy state. Too exhausted to move, can barely make it to the washroom and so tired I could sleep all day but I can't sleep. It's a very off-putting feeling. So my doc recommended I take half of the original dose.
What the heck would anti-depression pills do? I have an aunt with a mental illness (schizophrenia), she's on meds for life to keep it under wraps. My mom tells me I currently have 2 other aunts suffering from depression, both on anti-depressants for over a year! (I know she said it to be supportive, but if anything it made me feel more depressed, will I still be feeling like this after 1 year.. but I don't want to hurt her feelings, so I didn't say anything to her).
If I start meds, would I need to rely on them for life too? I don't want to be dependent on pills. And what other side effects would it have? I know my aunt (the one with schizophrenia) her pills make her gain weight, it's one of the side effects. She walks a lot, everywhere and regardless of the weather, so she's not fat, but she has been in the past, and at times when she stops walking as much, she gains weight back exponentially! And when I say she walks a lot, I mean it, she gets up in the morning and walks everywhere. To get her coffee, to visit each of her sisters that live in the same city, to see her friends, she walks well over 3hrs per day!
My doc said she would keep me off anti-depressants for now, unless I wanted to take some. Nononononononononono! I guess if I keep feeling this way, maybe in the end I'll have to take them.. but hopefully, maybe I can get out of this and live a normal life again.
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
So many fears.. hopefully a step in the right direction..
I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now, it's doing me a lot of good. Allowing me to see things that I would've never thought of before..
Count that as an intro.
We were talking recently about my "building my backbone" and she noted that it was good for me to be able to put my foot down with acquaintances or every day people. But sometimes, the people it's hardest to say "no" to, is those we care a great deal about. Because I'm so eager to make them happy, I wouldn't want to disappoint them by saying "no".
And we spoke about how, if it were to happen (again) and I had agreed to something that didn't really make me comfortable, that it was ok to go back to that person and let them know that I had done some thinking and that, I wasn't actually comfortable with what it was I agreed to, and state that I was backing out.
That I should do it in a way that wasn't accusatory and that I shouldn't elaborate too much on it, because when we explain too much, sometimes it's leads to confusion.
I had a similar thing happen to me today.. the problem with me is that, for some ppl I don't even bother to think things through. My bestie wants something, even if it's something I'd never do for someone else, and that I'm already a bit bothered by it, I'll say "yes" anyways.
He wanted me to use my ebay account to make an offer on an item he wanted. He had tried 3 times and had been refused each time, the item was no locked for him so he couldn't make another offer. So he asked if I could use my account and make 2 bids, try for two different amounts. From my understanding he wanted my info to log into my account and then take care of the purchase on his own? I don't give out my info like that, but I agreed to making the offer for him and just pay it for him, ship it to my place and drop it off at his place. How much run-around is needed to make a "no" seem like a "yes"..
So that's great, only he didn't read the listing properly. Import charges were listed, it was also listed that no other import charges would be applied at delivery. Only instead of reading the whole sentence, he only saw "no import charges will be applied". Selective reading.
So as I was proceeding with checkout, as all that's left for me is to pay in order to honour the terms and conditions, I was confirming the total price with him... only he hadn't factored in the import charges, as i guess he never saw them. He tells me to halt! Not to pay... that he'll write the seller tomorrow and have them cancel the bid.
I haven't paid it yet.. but I can't not pay. I can understand if it wasn't clearly indicated, but it was very clear. I had read about the import charges beforehand.... if this seller cancels it without penalizing me, that will be a VERY nice person. I wouldn't even bet a penny on it.
Because I didn't want to put up with violating terms, I decided that I would purchase it for me. I had been thinking about it, not for that price, but maybe later on.. but because he was now backing out and not wanting it anymore.. I was trying to convince myself to get it.
I couldn't possibly force him to go through with what he put me up to, could I? It'll be fine, I'll pay for it and it'll be ok. But as soon as I said that, he said he'd order and other one too.. so we wouldn't have to pay twice for shipping..... but it's the import charges he didn't want to cash out on and now he's ok with them? I don't get it.
He's hoping for a freebie, I pay for the charges and what I claim from him is less? I honestly.. don't know.
Here I am, sitting, working, trying to watch a tv show and all the while thinking how I just spent $45 on t-shirts.. I can't justify spending another $44 on something i don't really care for.
(lets not forget the last thing i say "yes" to, too quickly, to the same person.. that now has me spending $15/mth for a game I hardly play *plays to get money's worth.. but losing out on what I'd prefer to spend that money on.....)
So I tried to write him countless emails.. I sent one asking that he check if the import charges would go up.. so much for saying i didn't want to agree to it anymore..
I don't know if i did ok.. I finally sent him a note saying that i couldn't justify the expense and that i was holding him accountable because i don't want my account to lose good standing... but i don't know.. i tried not to make it accusatory. i tried to not give many explanations.. but it seems kurt. Like very. and i'm scared of what may come. will he understand? will he misunderstand? is it another fight in the brewing? gah.
It's true. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared of conflict. I'm scared of saying "no" because someone will think I'm a poor sport. I'm scared they'll go off and find someone more pleasing. And while I have some of these fears with regular people, they seem to be amplified when it's someone I hold in high regards. I have a loooooong way to go still.
Count that as an intro.
We were talking recently about my "building my backbone" and she noted that it was good for me to be able to put my foot down with acquaintances or every day people. But sometimes, the people it's hardest to say "no" to, is those we care a great deal about. Because I'm so eager to make them happy, I wouldn't want to disappoint them by saying "no".
And we spoke about how, if it were to happen (again) and I had agreed to something that didn't really make me comfortable, that it was ok to go back to that person and let them know that I had done some thinking and that, I wasn't actually comfortable with what it was I agreed to, and state that I was backing out.
That I should do it in a way that wasn't accusatory and that I shouldn't elaborate too much on it, because when we explain too much, sometimes it's leads to confusion.
I had a similar thing happen to me today.. the problem with me is that, for some ppl I don't even bother to think things through. My bestie wants something, even if it's something I'd never do for someone else, and that I'm already a bit bothered by it, I'll say "yes" anyways.
He wanted me to use my ebay account to make an offer on an item he wanted. He had tried 3 times and had been refused each time, the item was no locked for him so he couldn't make another offer. So he asked if I could use my account and make 2 bids, try for two different amounts. From my understanding he wanted my info to log into my account and then take care of the purchase on his own? I don't give out my info like that, but I agreed to making the offer for him and just pay it for him, ship it to my place and drop it off at his place. How much run-around is needed to make a "no" seem like a "yes"..
So that's great, only he didn't read the listing properly. Import charges were listed, it was also listed that no other import charges would be applied at delivery. Only instead of reading the whole sentence, he only saw "no import charges will be applied". Selective reading.
So as I was proceeding with checkout, as all that's left for me is to pay in order to honour the terms and conditions, I was confirming the total price with him... only he hadn't factored in the import charges, as i guess he never saw them. He tells me to halt! Not to pay... that he'll write the seller tomorrow and have them cancel the bid.
I haven't paid it yet.. but I can't not pay. I can understand if it wasn't clearly indicated, but it was very clear. I had read about the import charges beforehand.... if this seller cancels it without penalizing me, that will be a VERY nice person. I wouldn't even bet a penny on it.
Because I didn't want to put up with violating terms, I decided that I would purchase it for me. I had been thinking about it, not for that price, but maybe later on.. but because he was now backing out and not wanting it anymore.. I was trying to convince myself to get it.
I couldn't possibly force him to go through with what he put me up to, could I? It'll be fine, I'll pay for it and it'll be ok. But as soon as I said that, he said he'd order and other one too.. so we wouldn't have to pay twice for shipping..... but it's the import charges he didn't want to cash out on and now he's ok with them? I don't get it.
He's hoping for a freebie, I pay for the charges and what I claim from him is less? I honestly.. don't know.
Here I am, sitting, working, trying to watch a tv show and all the while thinking how I just spent $45 on t-shirts.. I can't justify spending another $44 on something i don't really care for.
(lets not forget the last thing i say "yes" to, too quickly, to the same person.. that now has me spending $15/mth for a game I hardly play *plays to get money's worth.. but losing out on what I'd prefer to spend that money on.....)
So I tried to write him countless emails.. I sent one asking that he check if the import charges would go up.. so much for saying i didn't want to agree to it anymore..
I don't know if i did ok.. I finally sent him a note saying that i couldn't justify the expense and that i was holding him accountable because i don't want my account to lose good standing... but i don't know.. i tried not to make it accusatory. i tried to not give many explanations.. but it seems kurt. Like very. and i'm scared of what may come. will he understand? will he misunderstand? is it another fight in the brewing? gah.
It's true. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared of conflict. I'm scared of saying "no" because someone will think I'm a poor sport. I'm scared they'll go off and find someone more pleasing. And while I have some of these fears with regular people, they seem to be amplified when it's someone I hold in high regards. I have a loooooong way to go still.
Sunday, 24 March 2013
just some thoughts..
You hear people say the first step is always the hardest. That once you get through that, then it's all smooth sailing from there. I beg to differ.
Yes, that first step IS hard. So much so, that you question yourself about getting up and taking it. It takes a crapload of courage to pull yourself up, swallow your pride and reach out.
But I believe that second step is just as difficult. Because now that the action has been taken, you still need to follow through with it. It's the following through that's scary, that first step of following through (technically the second step in your overall goal).
I've reached out, I've made a request for help. But to get that help, I now have to get myself there. It's really scary. I keep questioning myself "was my decision right?", "should I have included what I did?", "was it detailed enough?" "was it too detailed?". I recon I'll be doubting and questioning myself until the day of. Three weeks of questioning myself -_- I'm not looking forward to that. nope nope.
Yes, that first step IS hard. So much so, that you question yourself about getting up and taking it. It takes a crapload of courage to pull yourself up, swallow your pride and reach out.
But I believe that second step is just as difficult. Because now that the action has been taken, you still need to follow through with it. It's the following through that's scary, that first step of following through (technically the second step in your overall goal).
I've reached out, I've made a request for help. But to get that help, I now have to get myself there. It's really scary. I keep questioning myself "was my decision right?", "should I have included what I did?", "was it detailed enough?" "was it too detailed?". I recon I'll be doubting and questioning myself until the day of. Three weeks of questioning myself -_- I'm not looking forward to that. nope nope.
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
random thoughts and stuff
Been feeling a bit better this past week. A bit. lulz Still, a bit is better than not at all and being stuck in the slums, so to speak. My friend got a job, not the one he was aiming for, but at the same company, a lower position but the company is a place where you can climb up the ladder, so it's good. I'm really happy for him =]
I had a talk with my mom this past weekend, I was able to admit to things that I didn't think possible. But I did, and it felt a lot better and seems to have done me some good to talk about it. I can't say things are 100% now, but they're better and that's what matters. I'm trying to keep things positive, I've been spending less time online, and I think that's actually helped me some. I was reading some notes this morning, that I had taken last summer, so much for consistency BUT at least they're still there and some of them still linger in my head. They were notes on setting goals, and how you shouldn't take these biiiig goals to work to, in say 5yrs time. The best thing to do is to make livable goals. Like giving yourself something small to work on, on a day to day basis, which can build up to something in 5yrs, but that you can make it more actionable, because you're breaking it down to something you can actually do a bit at a time.
There's also something that keeps replaying in my mind, from one of the books I'm reading (trying to.. I keep putting it aside for so long that when I pick it back up, I have to re-read from the beginning. No matter, the important thing, is that I'm reading it and the parts I'm re-reading, I think it's pushing it more into my thought process). There's this part about learning to love yourself, where you tell yourself that no matter what you do, what you've done today is enough. And in the notes I was reading this morning, he says (the person I was taking notes from), that you should only set a goal of 2 or 3 important things to do in a day.
"Be honest, you probably don't do more than three important things every day. I know I don't. Everyone has a certain amount of energy to get things done with. Everything you do takes up energy. Try to focus on two or three things to get done per day, not a hundred. If you choose to do a couple of things, you'll get them done (and feel good about it). Then, worse case is that you have more time, and you can add one more thing to your to-do list. Remember, these two or three things and important things (i.e. if you could only do three things today, what would they be?)."
So, that plays along with what I'm remembering about what you do in one day, being "enough".
I came to the conclusion, it had been a while, but I refused to speak of it, that I didn't love myself. Because right now, that how I feel. I talked to my mom about it.. like in my book it talks about loving ourselves and how that's a life-long journey. At some point in my life, I think I loved myself. But now, I'm not sure that I do.. and I'm not sure if I ever really did.. I'd like to believe I did.. but where did it change? How did I go from loving myself, to not loving myself.
Or is it just that I accepted me for me, and now, now that I've come to fear so much, I can no longer accept the same old me, unchanging, vulnerable.
I look at myself and hate what I see.. it's really hard to admit it. But I feel that I want to change SO much in me and about me, to the point where I might as well be someone else? But not be someone else, just be someone else. Haha ok, that probably only makes sense to me. But it's like in the sense that I change so much about myself, that although it's still me, it's not me anymore.
And I don't mean in the sense where I become someone else (that already exist) and just become a copy of someone else. But in the sense that I become someone new, wholly, like a new birth of a person? In that sense.
But at the same time, I look back and see that I've already started to change, things that I didn't want to associate myself with, I've started to accept again. Like part of my roots, that I just sort of pushed away, mainly because it was easier to deal with things if it wasn't in the way, even if it still followed me around everywhere. I've over the past while, been able to start opening that up again. This is a part of me. This is ok. Just because many ppl from these upbringings are of the same mentality, it doesn't make everyone the same. This is ok. Everyone is their own person. And I've started to become more open minded to certain things. Doesn't mean that I've become attracted to specific ppl, but at the same time, I don't shun or push them away, when I find out they share the same roots as me.
This whole issue of preferences, when looking for a s.o. I'm not looking, nor do I feel ready to start, because I firstly need happiness on my own, with myself before I can even think to "branch out". But we're just looking at preferences right now.
I'm attracted (mostly, but not only) to asian men. My friend is attracted (mostly, but not only, as she's not currently with one) Italian men. They are preferences. I don't hear comments along the lines of "eww why Italian men" etc. etc. but I often hear comments "ew why Asian men?"
I don't get it.. why do my preferences need to be approved by others.
I sometimes feel like I shouldn't do or say something so that ppl don't judge me.. and then I realise that I'm trying to please others, instead of not giving a fark and just going along with my life.
I look at other girls, who are big (some bigger than myself) and how they're doing great in a relationship, and think to myself "they're so big but they can be happy, why can't I find that? why can't I acheive that?" and I've realised, that it's not the fact that they're big or not, it has to do with their self-confidence, with their self-esteem, with their self-worth.. and I wonder, where did they learn that? How can I learn that? So that I too can be me, in my own skin, in whatever form that's in?
I had a talk with my mom this past weekend, I was able to admit to things that I didn't think possible. But I did, and it felt a lot better and seems to have done me some good to talk about it. I can't say things are 100% now, but they're better and that's what matters. I'm trying to keep things positive, I've been spending less time online, and I think that's actually helped me some. I was reading some notes this morning, that I had taken last summer, so much for consistency BUT at least they're still there and some of them still linger in my head. They were notes on setting goals, and how you shouldn't take these biiiig goals to work to, in say 5yrs time. The best thing to do is to make livable goals. Like giving yourself something small to work on, on a day to day basis, which can build up to something in 5yrs, but that you can make it more actionable, because you're breaking it down to something you can actually do a bit at a time.
There's also something that keeps replaying in my mind, from one of the books I'm reading (trying to.. I keep putting it aside for so long that when I pick it back up, I have to re-read from the beginning. No matter, the important thing, is that I'm reading it and the parts I'm re-reading, I think it's pushing it more into my thought process). There's this part about learning to love yourself, where you tell yourself that no matter what you do, what you've done today is enough. And in the notes I was reading this morning, he says (the person I was taking notes from), that you should only set a goal of 2 or 3 important things to do in a day.
"Be honest, you probably don't do more than three important things every day. I know I don't. Everyone has a certain amount of energy to get things done with. Everything you do takes up energy. Try to focus on two or three things to get done per day, not a hundred. If you choose to do a couple of things, you'll get them done (and feel good about it). Then, worse case is that you have more time, and you can add one more thing to your to-do list. Remember, these two or three things and important things (i.e. if you could only do three things today, what would they be?)."
So, that plays along with what I'm remembering about what you do in one day, being "enough".
I came to the conclusion, it had been a while, but I refused to speak of it, that I didn't love myself. Because right now, that how I feel. I talked to my mom about it.. like in my book it talks about loving ourselves and how that's a life-long journey. At some point in my life, I think I loved myself. But now, I'm not sure that I do.. and I'm not sure if I ever really did.. I'd like to believe I did.. but where did it change? How did I go from loving myself, to not loving myself.
Or is it just that I accepted me for me, and now, now that I've come to fear so much, I can no longer accept the same old me, unchanging, vulnerable.
I look at myself and hate what I see.. it's really hard to admit it. But I feel that I want to change SO much in me and about me, to the point where I might as well be someone else? But not be someone else, just be someone else. Haha ok, that probably only makes sense to me. But it's like in the sense that I change so much about myself, that although it's still me, it's not me anymore.
And I don't mean in the sense where I become someone else (that already exist) and just become a copy of someone else. But in the sense that I become someone new, wholly, like a new birth of a person? In that sense.
But at the same time, I look back and see that I've already started to change, things that I didn't want to associate myself with, I've started to accept again. Like part of my roots, that I just sort of pushed away, mainly because it was easier to deal with things if it wasn't in the way, even if it still followed me around everywhere. I've over the past while, been able to start opening that up again. This is a part of me. This is ok. Just because many ppl from these upbringings are of the same mentality, it doesn't make everyone the same. This is ok. Everyone is their own person. And I've started to become more open minded to certain things. Doesn't mean that I've become attracted to specific ppl, but at the same time, I don't shun or push them away, when I find out they share the same roots as me.
This whole issue of preferences, when looking for a s.o. I'm not looking, nor do I feel ready to start, because I firstly need happiness on my own, with myself before I can even think to "branch out". But we're just looking at preferences right now.
I'm attracted (mostly, but not only) to asian men. My friend is attracted (mostly, but not only, as she's not currently with one) Italian men. They are preferences. I don't hear comments along the lines of "eww why Italian men" etc. etc. but I often hear comments "ew why Asian men?"
I don't get it.. why do my preferences need to be approved by others.
I sometimes feel like I shouldn't do or say something so that ppl don't judge me.. and then I realise that I'm trying to please others, instead of not giving a fark and just going along with my life.
I look at other girls, who are big (some bigger than myself) and how they're doing great in a relationship, and think to myself "they're so big but they can be happy, why can't I find that? why can't I acheive that?" and I've realised, that it's not the fact that they're big or not, it has to do with their self-confidence, with their self-esteem, with their self-worth.. and I wonder, where did they learn that? How can I learn that? So that I too can be me, in my own skin, in whatever form that's in?
Wednesday, 16 January 2013
Why can't some people realise what they have going for them? They're pursuing their dreams! They're capable of so many great things and capable of working on things that they love. So much so, that's it's not really work, is it? I get the nervousness of waiting to see if you'll be accepted for a job. I've been through that as well. And it's your dream job, so the anxiety is obviously so much stronger. I know it would be for me... if I had a dream job. I don't get anxiety and to fret over whether or not I'll be accepted into the job of my dreams. I don't get that. Nor will I ever. Why? Because I don't have a dream job. I don't know what it is I want to do, something that I'll love. And until I figure it out, I'll never know. Never experience it. I can understand the want to be accepted, the need to feel like you're moving forward. Because I feel that too..only I'm filled with emptiness, because while I want to move forward, while I feel the need that I can no longer stay in the same spot in my life.. I don't know where I'm going. I have no idea how to go about finding what it is that I love. What it is that I can do. I feel like I'm rotting. I'm just rotting away.
While they're still so young, and have all this time ahead of them, their whole lives, even if this one place doesn't accept them now, they still have a chance to get back up, prepare better and try again. While here I am, old, without a clue, haunted by feelings that I'm wasting away. Rotting away.
Is that envy? Jealousy? Mixed with what? Feelings of emptiness? Despair?
While they're still so young, and have all this time ahead of them, their whole lives, even if this one place doesn't accept them now, they still have a chance to get back up, prepare better and try again. While here I am, old, without a clue, haunted by feelings that I'm wasting away. Rotting away.
Is that envy? Jealousy? Mixed with what? Feelings of emptiness? Despair?
Remember how I was talking about ideas of death.. taking my life, etc. I was sitting here, picturing my wrists being sliced..wondering how I'd go about doing it.. maybe I should just drown myself in the tub. And then my kitty would walk by, and I'd be reminded that if I'm not here...there'll be no one to take care of her.
When I suddenly woke up this morning with a need to pee, maybe it was the abrupt way in which I woke and got up, but somehow, I made it to the washroom and I remember gasping for air. There was something wrong, I couldn't breathe. I was dizzy and I wasn't quite wheezing, but it was really hard to breathe. And I remember thinking, "I'm scared to die. I'm scared to die." I tried to compose myself, so that I could get up, walk to where my pumps were. Fumbling. I could barely stand straight, everything was spinning, I couldn't breathe. I got my pumps, one in each hand and made my way to the sofa. I heard something fall, hit the floor. But I couldn't see, I didn't know what fell. When I made it to the sofa, what seems like decades later, I was wondering why I only had one pump in my right hand...what happened to the one in my left hand. I looked up, seeing what had fell...my other pump. The one I need to take first..forced myself up, got to it, grabbed it up putting it in my pocket, came back to the sofa...and passed out.
It's the weirdest feeling to wake up two hour later from a phone call. Weird, because you can't remember what happened after you came back to the sofa, sure that you'd die if you didn't take your pumps.. but you never had the chance.
One could say that I dreamed it all. That if it were real, I'd probably be dead. But my pumps were still in my pocket, right where I had left them, after picking up the fallen one.
I thought my fright from this morning, and my realization that I was scared of dying would at the very least rid me of the thoughts of death.. but there I was, a few hours later, thinking how maybe I'd be better off dead.
When I suddenly woke up this morning with a need to pee, maybe it was the abrupt way in which I woke and got up, but somehow, I made it to the washroom and I remember gasping for air. There was something wrong, I couldn't breathe. I was dizzy and I wasn't quite wheezing, but it was really hard to breathe. And I remember thinking, "I'm scared to die. I'm scared to die." I tried to compose myself, so that I could get up, walk to where my pumps were. Fumbling. I could barely stand straight, everything was spinning, I couldn't breathe. I got my pumps, one in each hand and made my way to the sofa. I heard something fall, hit the floor. But I couldn't see, I didn't know what fell. When I made it to the sofa, what seems like decades later, I was wondering why I only had one pump in my right hand...what happened to the one in my left hand. I looked up, seeing what had fell...my other pump. The one I need to take first..forced myself up, got to it, grabbed it up putting it in my pocket, came back to the sofa...and passed out.
It's the weirdest feeling to wake up two hour later from a phone call. Weird, because you can't remember what happened after you came back to the sofa, sure that you'd die if you didn't take your pumps.. but you never had the chance.
One could say that I dreamed it all. That if it were real, I'd probably be dead. But my pumps were still in my pocket, right where I had left them, after picking up the fallen one.
I thought my fright from this morning, and my realization that I was scared of dying would at the very least rid me of the thoughts of death.. but there I was, a few hours later, thinking how maybe I'd be better off dead.
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