Weirdness...

I'm not one to remember my dreams. But somehow, recently, this past week.. I've been having the weirdest yet most vivid dreams and I remember them when I wake up. I should have written them down as it happened, as my brain being as it is, I'm starting to forget some of them. I joke that I suffer from elephant syndrome, wherein my brain is the size of a peanut and whenever I have an overload of info, it just gets pushed out. So, my memory doesn't last long. I joke, but I'm also a tad worried as it seems to be happening more and more often lately. On to the dreams. The first of my extremely vivid ones started last Saturday night after playing Skyrim. The game itself is so vivid and that night I dreamt I was in the game. So real, so lifelike. But I knew I was within the game. 
The next vivid dream I had was a few days later (I haven't re-played Skyrim since that Saturday). Again, everything was so life-like. Very real.. But this time, in my dream I was going out with someone (I think) and someone else was talking about him and I was scared because this person that I was supposedly with, looked A LOT like G (my real 1st bf). So I felt almost traumatized that I'd go out with him again. But then, there he was standing next to me and he leaned over to introduce himself to someone. I didn't catch his name, but he said "Hi, I'm from Barbados" and I had instant relief. Pheeewf he's not Jamaican. It's NOT really him.. just someone who looks (waay too much for comfort) just like him. I woke up not long after that. How weird is it tho, that the very next day, who calls my work but G himself for assistance. That's just too freaky in my book. Was the dream a preparation for the call that was to come? It totally freaked me out. 
The next day I had yet another dream, I was going out with some white guy... at this moment, I can't remember much of it anymore (it's been over 4 days) but I remember I was happy, there were no unpleasantries within it. I just felt at peace. I don't know what's bringing on all these dreams of me being with guys. It's not like I've gotten around, and they're also not perverted dreams. It's just that in these dreams, I'm with different guys and just happy. Weird right? Most relationships I've had were the opposite. 


You know, lately I've been thinking a lot. Me thinking, this is never good. But I've been remembering things that happened from before my last past relationship. How I thought this new guy "R" looked almost creepily like my first bf. The Chinese version, as my first way Jamaican. Creepily so. But I overlooked that at the time. How I wasn't interested in him, not more than getting to know him as a friend. Yet he asked me out and I didn't know how to turn him down without being rude, so I agreed to it. I didn't think anything would come of it. But it did... After the movie, he wanted to go to the bookstore (for the record, the next person who suggests this to me, I'll say "bye" right then and there). G took me to the bookstore too... eerily the exact same one... *shudders* how did I not see that at the time. I realized it afterwards, but I have a certain way of pushing away my alarms when they're ringing damn loud. How not surprising that he'd try to kiss me there. Creepy follows.. he took me to the exact same shopping mall afterwards. It's NOT  the closest one to that bookstore.. I remember, after that evening, when I went home and was talking to my friend C, I told her how badly I felt. Yes I allowed him to kiss me, but then I kissed him back. And there I was beating myself up about it. I decided I'd break it off before it went too far... but the next day I went to meet him, on the spur of the moment I thought to myself "no, I think I might really like him". There commenced 5months of agonizing hell. With my body rebelling. Basically, I'd get upset over everything. I don't become that bad. The only time I can ever recall from my past 4 relationships that I was ever that bad, was during the 1st one with G and this last one with R. Can anyone understand why I'm a bit scared to venture into another relationship? I become too trusting of others. I'm like that by default. But when I myself sees red flags, I dismiss them. I'm not scared of being in a relationship, I'm scared of myself and how I treat myself when I'm in one. Welcome to my Abyss.


I spent a lot of time thinking after my final breakup. How I didn't want to get into another relationship until I had things worked out. The thing about "working things out" is that, you can only do so much on your own. But you can't apply it in a relationship, because how do you know what you'll be like when you're in one again. >_> But I know that whatever relationship I do get into next, I'm taking it really slowly. People seem to like going fast, but I need to be able to get to know that person as a friend and really get to know them (regardless of how cute I may think they are) before I get intimate with anyone. The thing with me is, once I get intimate, I attach myself emotionally.. and it's those emotions that keep me from thinking with a clear head. So, ya. Slowly, I think for my benefit, that ought to mean no kissing either. 


I had another one today. It's weird. I woke up originally at 7am and though my eyes felt tired still, I felt fine. But then I fell back asleep.. and had yet another dream. Of yet another random guy I was supposedly with. I don't quite remember this one as much, but upon waking up at 10:30am my head is killing me. Isn't it supposed to be that when you can remember your dreams it's that you've slept deeply? So, why is my head killing me right now? I'm starting to wish I didn't remember my dreams.. But at the same time, I think they're subtly talking to me. Weird, right? I kind of feel, that they're showing me that it doesn't matter who I'm with.. I can still be happy. That's good, right?