I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A few months back, while talking to an acquaintance, I was asked where I saw myself when I'd be 40 or 50. My answer? "Happy" I don't know what my circumstances will be, nor where I'll be, but as long as I'm happy, that's what's important to me. It seemed, to him, that wasn't enough. Our conversation continued, wherein he continued to put my thinking into question.
Because of our conversation that day, I found myself going into an almost depression. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. Things I thought I knew from long ago, I was no longer sure about. It felt like I was stuck within a mental whirlwind, not knowing where to find answers, filled with uncertainty about what it was that I truly wanted out of life. In all the lows I've ever experienced in my life, this was the first time I found myself contemplating death.
It didn't last long (the death contemplation), just that one moment where I lay there in the tub, thinking to myself how easy it would be to just submerge myself and disappear. Maybe then the whirlwind would stop and I'd feel at peace again, albeit dead. As if on cue, my kitten meowed at me from behind the door. Which led me to think, who would take care of her? I'm not going to leave my baby girl alone in this world. It was time to get out of the tub and figure things out for myself because no one is going to give me answers but me.
What I need to know is, why do I react in certain ways?
When I was a teenager, I never wanted to get married. I remember talking about it with my best friend at the time. She too never wanted to get married. For similar reasons. How there's that saying that if you come from an abusive family, you'll end up marrying someone like your dad. We both had abusive fathers, neither one of us wanted to marry because of that. But I was a bit different. While she didn't even want to have boyfriends, I did. I just didn't want to get married. Maybe I thought a boyfriend would be different? Who knows.
Well, that first boyfriend, changed things for me. Before I knew it I was engaged. Next thing I knew I was being raped. Couldn't speak about it to anyone, I experienced my first low. Not knowing what was happening to me, feeling as if I was only hitting walls yet never going anywhere. Thankfully, in the end, we didn't get married. I spent the next 3yrs completely repulsed by the ideas being with a guy.
Until I met J, and was able to have my eyes opened up. Guys weren't all the same. There was hope still. I became close friends with J, we talked lots. He was doing an intern here during the summer and frequented my church. When he returned home, we kept in touch. We were really close (yup, I had a crush on him.. but was too shy to say anything). We were so close, that I was the first he told about a new girl he met. They were just friends at first, but I was also the first he told when he decided to ask her out. (Totally crushed me. But I made a decision that day. Did I want to continue being his friend and give up on my crush or continue my crush but risk breaking our friendship? I chose the 1st option. I was happy for him. It's a good thing I put the flame of my crush out, because I was also one of the first to be told of his engagement to her. They now have 2 kids, both adorably cute!)
J was my eye-opener. Not all guys are the same. Some are extremely nice. Also here began my attraction to nerdy/geeky guys.
Next I met N. (Also nerdy/geeky... and a hermit, the hermit part I'd never do again)
We dated for a year. He was really nice, extremely respectful. He knew of my past relationship. He new of the horrible things I lived through. He didn't pity me, but he did have compassion and respect. He never forced me. While he was very sweet, there was that fault. The one where he was incapable of saying "no". I never forced him to do anything, I'm not that kind of person. But like me, he's one who's willing to overlook himself to make others happy. Until you can no longer overlook yourself and need to do something for you. We broke up, but remained friends. One of the reasons we broke up was because we also weren't heading in the same direction. He wanted to concentrate on other things. While I was off in lala land... with ideas of marriage and the like.
It's like, I get hounded with thoughts of insecurity when I get into a relationship.
I feel like no relationship will last unless I get married. Because if someone's willing to take that step and dish out the money to get married, then they really love you and they'll make the effort to keep the relationship intact. Which I know is stupid. My reasoning doesn't feel right. But that's what I thought. And it's only since September that I've started to actually try and figure things out for myself.
How did I go from never wanting to get married to feeling like I need to get married? I think to myself, that I should never get married. Not that I should never be with someone again but the act of marriage isn't a necessity. I know many people who lived together for long periods of time in common-law. I also know many people who have been in failed marriages. In the "I should never get married" I tell myself, maybe it will help me to overcome the fear that I'll forever be alone because I'll learn to "deal with it". But what am I dealing with? My insecurities? Where do they come from? Is it from a bad relationship that was meant to continue in marriage but didn't? Is it from fear that I'll never really be loved? Does it root deeper than that? Is it from the lack of love as a child? Does it stem from the relationship I had with my dad, or lack thereof?
Then there's the question, "Do I want to have kids?" I used to say "yes", it was like I was programmed into saying it. I never questioned it, I felt obliged to have some as my mom would constantly ask me (which each consecutive bf), when I was going to give her grandkids. She even went to the point of telling me once, that if I didn't hurry and give her grandkids, that she'd give their inheritance away to someone else's kids. I've spoke to her since, because I needed to collect my thoughts and unless I asked her, I didn't dare even consider not ever having any. She says she said it as a joke (she barely even remembered asking) and all the other times, she said it was more because of the idea that I had said I was to have kids (back when I was engaged) that she assumed from then on that my mind hadn't changed. So she was just checking up on them.... (potential grandkids). But she's since told me, that it doesn't matter if I have any or not. Because all she wants for me is my happiness. That took a load off of my chest. I don't know if I want kids. I love babies. I get shy around older kids. It's hard for me to tell people I'm not sure if I want any. But I'm not. I know that right now, I'm not ready. And I also don't want to have any past a certain age but that right now, I want to travel more than anything. So having kids wouldn't be ideal right now anyways. (Regardless of not having that separate entity to father the children if they were to occur).
I think what I want in that respect, is that I'm open to having kids but it's no longer a necessity. For that matter, I don't want to go out with just anyone. I want to find a friend. Someone who will be not only my lover but my best friend. I've noticed, from observing others, that the happiest couples are those who were close friends/best friends before getting married. That's what I want. Finding that feels hard. Everyone seems to have this idea of the ideal person they're looking for. No matter if I fall under all of the "requirements", I'm a bit overweight so... I'm not in their sight. Or they think of me as a really great friend and find me super sweet but they're not interested. I often become the close friend who's not on anyone's radar. I guess eventually the right one will come along. *shrugs* I know it's not necessarily because of my weight. There are guys attracted to bigger girls, maybe it's the insecurities in me that they see.
Even before that... I need to find out why I crumble whenever I get into a relationship. Look at me rambling away... *siiiiiigh* I don't even remember what I was trying to say anymore...
Abyss
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