Why can't some people realise what they have going for them? They're pursuing their dreams! They're capable of so many great things and capable of working on things that they love. So much so, that's it's not really work, is it? I get the nervousness of waiting to see if you'll be accepted for a job. I've been through that as well. And it's your dream job, so the anxiety is obviously so much stronger. I know it would be for me... if I had a dream job. I don't get anxiety and to fret over whether or not I'll be accepted into the job of my dreams. I don't get that. Nor will I ever. Why? Because I don't have a dream job. I don't know what it is I want to do, something that I'll love. And until I figure it out, I'll never know. Never experience it. I can understand the want to be accepted, the need to feel like you're moving forward. Because I feel that too..only I'm filled with emptiness, because while I want to move forward, while I feel the need that I can no longer stay in the same spot in my life.. I don't know where I'm going. I have no idea how to go about finding what it is that I love. What it is that I can do. I feel like I'm rotting. I'm just rotting away.
While they're still so young, and have all this time ahead of them, their whole lives, even if this one place doesn't accept them now, they still have a chance to get back up, prepare better and try again. While here I am, old, without a clue, haunted by feelings that I'm wasting away. Rotting away.
Is that envy? Jealousy? Mixed with what? Feelings of emptiness? Despair?
Wednesday, 16 January 2013
Remember how I was talking about ideas of death.. taking my life, etc. I was sitting here, picturing my wrists being sliced..wondering how I'd go about doing it.. maybe I should just drown myself in the tub. And then my kitty would walk by, and I'd be reminded that if I'm not here...there'll be no one to take care of her.
When I suddenly woke up this morning with a need to pee, maybe it was the abrupt way in which I woke and got up, but somehow, I made it to the washroom and I remember gasping for air. There was something wrong, I couldn't breathe. I was dizzy and I wasn't quite wheezing, but it was really hard to breathe. And I remember thinking, "I'm scared to die. I'm scared to die." I tried to compose myself, so that I could get up, walk to where my pumps were. Fumbling. I could barely stand straight, everything was spinning, I couldn't breathe. I got my pumps, one in each hand and made my way to the sofa. I heard something fall, hit the floor. But I couldn't see, I didn't know what fell. When I made it to the sofa, what seems like decades later, I was wondering why I only had one pump in my right hand...what happened to the one in my left hand. I looked up, seeing what had fell...my other pump. The one I need to take first..forced myself up, got to it, grabbed it up putting it in my pocket, came back to the sofa...and passed out.
It's the weirdest feeling to wake up two hour later from a phone call. Weird, because you can't remember what happened after you came back to the sofa, sure that you'd die if you didn't take your pumps.. but you never had the chance.
One could say that I dreamed it all. That if it were real, I'd probably be dead. But my pumps were still in my pocket, right where I had left them, after picking up the fallen one.
I thought my fright from this morning, and my realization that I was scared of dying would at the very least rid me of the thoughts of death.. but there I was, a few hours later, thinking how maybe I'd be better off dead.
When I suddenly woke up this morning with a need to pee, maybe it was the abrupt way in which I woke and got up, but somehow, I made it to the washroom and I remember gasping for air. There was something wrong, I couldn't breathe. I was dizzy and I wasn't quite wheezing, but it was really hard to breathe. And I remember thinking, "I'm scared to die. I'm scared to die." I tried to compose myself, so that I could get up, walk to where my pumps were. Fumbling. I could barely stand straight, everything was spinning, I couldn't breathe. I got my pumps, one in each hand and made my way to the sofa. I heard something fall, hit the floor. But I couldn't see, I didn't know what fell. When I made it to the sofa, what seems like decades later, I was wondering why I only had one pump in my right hand...what happened to the one in my left hand. I looked up, seeing what had fell...my other pump. The one I need to take first..forced myself up, got to it, grabbed it up putting it in my pocket, came back to the sofa...and passed out.
It's the weirdest feeling to wake up two hour later from a phone call. Weird, because you can't remember what happened after you came back to the sofa, sure that you'd die if you didn't take your pumps.. but you never had the chance.
One could say that I dreamed it all. That if it were real, I'd probably be dead. But my pumps were still in my pocket, right where I had left them, after picking up the fallen one.
I thought my fright from this morning, and my realization that I was scared of dying would at the very least rid me of the thoughts of death.. but there I was, a few hours later, thinking how maybe I'd be better off dead.
I'm scared. I'm scared to trust, to open up but most of all, I'm scared of myself.
I was told the last relationship I was in, I was probably in it because of my need for someone. It didn't have to be the person it was, as long as somebody was there. It was a bad relationship, for all the wrong reasons and in the worst possible ways, but I tried so hard to keep it together, even at the cost of my happiness. I wasn't happy at all, I was miserable and hurt and somehow, I felt the need to cling on. I do that.. cling to people. Suck the life right out of them. Trying desperately to fill whatever void it is I have deep within me.
How can I not be scared of me? What I was told, about just me needing someone, that makes me all the more scared. Because when I searched deep down within me, when I looked into what relationship we actually had, I couldn't negate it.
What has become of me? I used to be capable of loving, I mean, yes, that clinging has always been there, but not to the extent where I couldn't at least love the person I was with.
The only time I've ever had the same sort of relationship as my last...was with my first. The type of relationship I swore I'd never allow myself to be in again. But there I was, reliving it 10 yrs later.
What did I do in my past life that I'm plagued in this one? When will I get my break?
I was told the last relationship I was in, I was probably in it because of my need for someone. It didn't have to be the person it was, as long as somebody was there. It was a bad relationship, for all the wrong reasons and in the worst possible ways, but I tried so hard to keep it together, even at the cost of my happiness. I wasn't happy at all, I was miserable and hurt and somehow, I felt the need to cling on. I do that.. cling to people. Suck the life right out of them. Trying desperately to fill whatever void it is I have deep within me.
How can I not be scared of me? What I was told, about just me needing someone, that makes me all the more scared. Because when I searched deep down within me, when I looked into what relationship we actually had, I couldn't negate it.
What has become of me? I used to be capable of loving, I mean, yes, that clinging has always been there, but not to the extent where I couldn't at least love the person I was with.
The only time I've ever had the same sort of relationship as my last...was with my first. The type of relationship I swore I'd never allow myself to be in again. But there I was, reliving it 10 yrs later.
What did I do in my past life that I'm plagued in this one? When will I get my break?
Monday, 14 January 2013
Safe and Sound
I was talking to my best friend recently and he was telling me how I come off as always being excited and chipper. It's hard, y'know? For people to see you as you truly are. Not that I'm not the way he described me, because I am. But that's not always me. I have insecurities and moments where I just feel drained and blah. But for some reason, being with friends and especially being with him, I just get really happy. I think friends are my "happy pill". I'm very thankful for them =)
He and I were talking recently about how life is unfair. And sometimes we'd just wish that we had been born with what ought to have been ours from the beginning. Like he was feeling that way, and I totally get him, because I've felt that way many times. Except maybe because of my personality - where I just tend to look on the bright side of things, not really allowing myself to fret over things I feel I have no control over - I don't dwell on things that can't be changed. Or maybe I don't fret over it because I've learned there's nothing I can do about it by just sulking.
He and I were talking recently about how life is unfair. And sometimes we'd just wish that we had been born with what ought to have been ours from the beginning. Like he was feeling that way, and I totally get him, because I've felt that way many times. Except maybe because of my personality - where I just tend to look on the bright side of things, not really allowing myself to fret over things I feel I have no control over - I don't dwell on things that can't be changed. Or maybe I don't fret over it because I've learned there's nothing I can do about it by just sulking.
Some days...
That moment when you feel like breaking down and crying because emotionally shit just isn't going right. And while you're starting to more and more be plagued with thoughts of taking your life away, you're not selfish enough to go through with it. Who'll take care of my cat? She'd be alone without me. I'm not selfish enough to take my own life, I guess that's a good thing. But what's going on with me? Why, after all this time, has the thought even entered my mind?
And I'm like... I don't even know who to turn to. I can't bother my bestie, 'cause he has his own flusters to deal with..I like how he can rely on his "disorders" to back him up... "oh, I'm like this because of such and such", it's like an exit route. "I can't make these things better because it's part of my disorder's description."
I've never been diagnosed with anything, I've also never been treated for anything. Does that mean I don't have issues? Not everyone spends their life being sent to shrinks to "know what's wrong" just 'cause some people can't afford it, doesn't mean they don't have their own issues to deal with. I don't know, sometimes I feel like, the fact that I'm not diagnosed with anything, I'm not allowed to feel the same way. It's like saying what I've lived through is worth shit because there's not this doctor's certificate pinned to it.
On the other hand, I'm glad I have nothing with a doctor's certificate pinned to it...because I know myself. If I were to have something pinned, I'd accept it as fact, something that cannot be changed and then probably wallow in self-pity. At least this way, I can say, nothing is for certain, I might not actually be this bad...there's something I can do, for sure!
I still get depressed, more and more commonly so, but I don't want to stay that way. A friend told me that my bestie isn't good for me. Not that he's not a good friend, but because he's so negative, that's not good for me and is what's bringing me down..I'm not sure if that's true. I have noticed some changes in me, like my tolerance level and patience going down... but to a certain point, that's been beneficial, because I was too lenient before. Always patient, overly tolerant, even if my being was trampled upon. I think I just need to find a common ground.
I can't help feeling SO frustrated lately. I'm emotionally drained. I'm still battling with things, but I'm brushing things under a rug, so that I can help others out with their problems. Trying to reassure people that their dream job IS in fact a possibility, that they should keep their hopes up, because they have great chances of getting in. At least they KNOW what they want! Look at me! I have no clue, but feel that I should at least have an idea. I thought I did, but it was shot down by someone who should be behind me? Supporting me, giving me hope for what I want..only, I don't have anyone like that. If I want to work for something, I can't look to others to chide me along or root for me.. It's me, on my own. It's stressful and draining to have to up some else's morale but to had no one on the side to help me out. I feel like I'm struggling and drowning myself but nobody wants to help me. They'll take my hand and start to pull but then all of a sudden, the roles are reversed...and there I am, once again, doing the pulling up. My feelings, my emotions, my struggles brushed aside as if they didn't matter. But they do.. and they linger there.. to when I'm alone again, to engulf me once more and drag me down.
And I'm like... I don't even know who to turn to. I can't bother my bestie, 'cause he has his own flusters to deal with..I like how he can rely on his "disorders" to back him up... "oh, I'm like this because of such and such", it's like an exit route. "I can't make these things better because it's part of my disorder's description."
I've never been diagnosed with anything, I've also never been treated for anything. Does that mean I don't have issues? Not everyone spends their life being sent to shrinks to "know what's wrong" just 'cause some people can't afford it, doesn't mean they don't have their own issues to deal with. I don't know, sometimes I feel like, the fact that I'm not diagnosed with anything, I'm not allowed to feel the same way. It's like saying what I've lived through is worth shit because there's not this doctor's certificate pinned to it.
On the other hand, I'm glad I have nothing with a doctor's certificate pinned to it...because I know myself. If I were to have something pinned, I'd accept it as fact, something that cannot be changed and then probably wallow in self-pity. At least this way, I can say, nothing is for certain, I might not actually be this bad...there's something I can do, for sure!
I still get depressed, more and more commonly so, but I don't want to stay that way. A friend told me that my bestie isn't good for me. Not that he's not a good friend, but because he's so negative, that's not good for me and is what's bringing me down..I'm not sure if that's true. I have noticed some changes in me, like my tolerance level and patience going down... but to a certain point, that's been beneficial, because I was too lenient before. Always patient, overly tolerant, even if my being was trampled upon. I think I just need to find a common ground.
I can't help feeling SO frustrated lately. I'm emotionally drained. I'm still battling with things, but I'm brushing things under a rug, so that I can help others out with their problems. Trying to reassure people that their dream job IS in fact a possibility, that they should keep their hopes up, because they have great chances of getting in. At least they KNOW what they want! Look at me! I have no clue, but feel that I should at least have an idea. I thought I did, but it was shot down by someone who should be behind me? Supporting me, giving me hope for what I want..only, I don't have anyone like that. If I want to work for something, I can't look to others to chide me along or root for me.. It's me, on my own. It's stressful and draining to have to up some else's morale but to had no one on the side to help me out. I feel like I'm struggling and drowning myself but nobody wants to help me. They'll take my hand and start to pull but then all of a sudden, the roles are reversed...and there I am, once again, doing the pulling up. My feelings, my emotions, my struggles brushed aside as if they didn't matter. But they do.. and they linger there.. to when I'm alone again, to engulf me once more and drag me down.
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