That moment when you feel like breaking down and crying because emotionally shit just isn't going right. And while you're starting to more and more be plagued with thoughts of taking your life away, you're not selfish enough to go through with it. Who'll take care of my cat? She'd be alone without me. I'm not selfish enough to take my own life, I guess that's a good thing. But what's going on with me? Why, after all this time, has the thought even entered my mind?
And I'm like... I don't even know who to turn to. I can't bother my bestie, 'cause he has his own flusters to deal with..I like how he can rely on his "disorders" to back him up... "oh, I'm like this because of such and such", it's like an exit route. "I can't make these things better because it's part of my disorder's description."
I've never been diagnosed with anything, I've also never been treated for anything. Does that mean I don't have issues? Not everyone spends their life being sent to shrinks to "know what's wrong" just 'cause some people can't afford it, doesn't mean they don't have their own issues to deal with. I don't know, sometimes I feel like, the fact that I'm not diagnosed with anything, I'm not allowed to feel the same way. It's like saying what I've lived through is worth shit because there's not this doctor's certificate pinned to it.
On the other hand, I'm glad I have nothing with a doctor's certificate pinned to it...because I know myself. If I were to have something pinned, I'd accept it as fact, something that cannot be changed and then probably wallow in self-pity. At least this way, I can say, nothing is for certain, I might not actually be this bad...there's something I can do, for sure!
I still get depressed, more and more commonly so, but I don't want to stay that way. A friend told me that my bestie isn't good for me. Not that he's not a good friend, but because he's so negative, that's not good for me and is what's bringing me down..I'm not sure if that's true. I have noticed some changes in me, like my tolerance level and patience going down... but to a certain point, that's been beneficial, because I was too lenient before. Always patient, overly tolerant, even if my being was trampled upon. I think I just need to find a common ground.
I can't help feeling SO frustrated lately. I'm emotionally drained. I'm still battling with things, but I'm brushing things under a rug, so that I can help others out with their problems. Trying to reassure people that their dream job IS in fact a possibility, that they should keep their hopes up, because they have great chances of getting in. At least they KNOW what they want! Look at me! I have no clue, but feel that I should at least have an idea. I thought I did, but it was shot down by someone who should be behind me? Supporting me, giving me hope for what I want..only, I don't have anyone like that. If I want to work for something, I can't look to others to chide me along or root for me.. It's me, on my own. It's stressful and draining to have to up some else's morale but to had no one on the side to help me out. I feel like I'm struggling and drowning myself but nobody wants to help me. They'll take my hand and start to pull but then all of a sudden, the roles are reversed...and there I am, once again, doing the pulling up. My feelings, my emotions, my struggles brushed aside as if they didn't matter. But they do.. and they linger there.. to when I'm alone again, to engulf me once more and drag me down.
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