I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now, it's doing me a lot of good. Allowing me to see things that I would've never thought of before..
Count that as an intro.
We were talking recently about my "building my backbone" and she noted that it was good for me to be able to put my foot down with acquaintances or every day people. But sometimes, the people it's hardest to say "no" to, is those we care a great deal about. Because I'm so eager to make them happy, I wouldn't want to disappoint them by saying "no".
And we spoke about how, if it were to happen (again) and I had agreed to something that didn't really make me comfortable, that it was ok to go back to that person and let them know that I had done some thinking and that, I wasn't actually comfortable with what it was I agreed to, and state that I was backing out.
That I should do it in a way that wasn't accusatory and that I shouldn't elaborate too much on it, because when we explain too much, sometimes it's leads to confusion.
I had a similar thing happen to me today.. the problem with me is that, for some ppl I don't even bother to think things through. My bestie wants something, even if it's something I'd never do for someone else, and that I'm already a bit bothered by it, I'll say "yes" anyways.
He wanted me to use my ebay account to make an offer on an item he wanted. He had tried 3 times and had been refused each time, the item was no locked for him so he couldn't make another offer. So he asked if I could use my account and make 2 bids, try for two different amounts. From my understanding he wanted my info to log into my account and then take care of the purchase on his own? I don't give out my info like that, but I agreed to making the offer for him and just pay it for him, ship it to my place and drop it off at his place. How much run-around is needed to make a "no" seem like a "yes"..
So that's great, only he didn't read the listing properly. Import charges were listed, it was also listed that no other import charges would be applied at delivery. Only instead of reading the whole sentence, he only saw "no import charges will be applied". Selective reading.
So as I was proceeding with checkout, as all that's left for me is to pay in order to honour the terms and conditions, I was confirming the total price with him... only he hadn't factored in the import charges, as i guess he never saw them. He tells me to halt! Not to pay... that he'll write the seller tomorrow and have them cancel the bid.
I haven't paid it yet.. but I can't not pay. I can understand if it wasn't clearly indicated, but it was very clear. I had read about the import charges beforehand.... if this seller cancels it without penalizing me, that will be a VERY nice person. I wouldn't even bet a penny on it.
Because I didn't want to put up with violating terms, I decided that I would purchase it for me. I had been thinking about it, not for that price, but maybe later on.. but because he was now backing out and not wanting it anymore.. I was trying to convince myself to get it.
I couldn't possibly force him to go through with what he put me up to, could I? It'll be fine, I'll pay for it and it'll be ok. But as soon as I said that, he said he'd order and other one too.. so we wouldn't have to pay twice for shipping..... but it's the import charges he didn't want to cash out on and now he's ok with them? I don't get it.
He's hoping for a freebie, I pay for the charges and what I claim from him is less? I honestly.. don't know.
Here I am, sitting, working, trying to watch a tv show and all the while thinking how I just spent $45 on t-shirts.. I can't justify spending another $44 on something i don't really care for.
(lets not forget the last thing i say "yes" to, too quickly, to the same person.. that now has me spending $15/mth for a game I hardly play *plays to get money's worth.. but losing out on what I'd prefer to spend that money on.....)
So I tried to write him countless emails.. I sent one asking that he check if the import charges would go up.. so much for saying i didn't want to agree to it anymore..
I don't know if i did ok.. I finally sent him a note saying that i couldn't justify the expense and that i was holding him accountable because i don't want my account to lose good standing... but i don't know.. i tried not to make it accusatory. i tried to not give many explanations.. but it seems kurt. Like very. and i'm scared of what may come. will he understand? will he misunderstand? is it another fight in the brewing? gah.
It's true. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared of conflict. I'm scared of saying "no" because someone will think I'm a poor sport. I'm scared they'll go off and find someone more pleasing. And while I have some of these fears with regular people, they seem to be amplified when it's someone I hold in high regards. I have a loooooong way to go still.
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
Sunday, 24 March 2013
just some thoughts..
You hear people say the first step is always the hardest. That once you get through that, then it's all smooth sailing from there. I beg to differ.
Yes, that first step IS hard. So much so, that you question yourself about getting up and taking it. It takes a crapload of courage to pull yourself up, swallow your pride and reach out.
But I believe that second step is just as difficult. Because now that the action has been taken, you still need to follow through with it. It's the following through that's scary, that first step of following through (technically the second step in your overall goal).
I've reached out, I've made a request for help. But to get that help, I now have to get myself there. It's really scary. I keep questioning myself "was my decision right?", "should I have included what I did?", "was it detailed enough?" "was it too detailed?". I recon I'll be doubting and questioning myself until the day of. Three weeks of questioning myself -_- I'm not looking forward to that. nope nope.
Yes, that first step IS hard. So much so, that you question yourself about getting up and taking it. It takes a crapload of courage to pull yourself up, swallow your pride and reach out.
But I believe that second step is just as difficult. Because now that the action has been taken, you still need to follow through with it. It's the following through that's scary, that first step of following through (technically the second step in your overall goal).
I've reached out, I've made a request for help. But to get that help, I now have to get myself there. It's really scary. I keep questioning myself "was my decision right?", "should I have included what I did?", "was it detailed enough?" "was it too detailed?". I recon I'll be doubting and questioning myself until the day of. Three weeks of questioning myself -_- I'm not looking forward to that. nope nope.
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
random thoughts and stuff
Been feeling a bit better this past week. A bit. lulz Still, a bit is better than not at all and being stuck in the slums, so to speak. My friend got a job, not the one he was aiming for, but at the same company, a lower position but the company is a place where you can climb up the ladder, so it's good. I'm really happy for him =]
I had a talk with my mom this past weekend, I was able to admit to things that I didn't think possible. But I did, and it felt a lot better and seems to have done me some good to talk about it. I can't say things are 100% now, but they're better and that's what matters. I'm trying to keep things positive, I've been spending less time online, and I think that's actually helped me some. I was reading some notes this morning, that I had taken last summer, so much for consistency BUT at least they're still there and some of them still linger in my head. They were notes on setting goals, and how you shouldn't take these biiiig goals to work to, in say 5yrs time. The best thing to do is to make livable goals. Like giving yourself something small to work on, on a day to day basis, which can build up to something in 5yrs, but that you can make it more actionable, because you're breaking it down to something you can actually do a bit at a time.
There's also something that keeps replaying in my mind, from one of the books I'm reading (trying to.. I keep putting it aside for so long that when I pick it back up, I have to re-read from the beginning. No matter, the important thing, is that I'm reading it and the parts I'm re-reading, I think it's pushing it more into my thought process). There's this part about learning to love yourself, where you tell yourself that no matter what you do, what you've done today is enough. And in the notes I was reading this morning, he says (the person I was taking notes from), that you should only set a goal of 2 or 3 important things to do in a day.
"Be honest, you probably don't do more than three important things every day. I know I don't. Everyone has a certain amount of energy to get things done with. Everything you do takes up energy. Try to focus on two or three things to get done per day, not a hundred. If you choose to do a couple of things, you'll get them done (and feel good about it). Then, worse case is that you have more time, and you can add one more thing to your to-do list. Remember, these two or three things and important things (i.e. if you could only do three things today, what would they be?)."
So, that plays along with what I'm remembering about what you do in one day, being "enough".
I came to the conclusion, it had been a while, but I refused to speak of it, that I didn't love myself. Because right now, that how I feel. I talked to my mom about it.. like in my book it talks about loving ourselves and how that's a life-long journey. At some point in my life, I think I loved myself. But now, I'm not sure that I do.. and I'm not sure if I ever really did.. I'd like to believe I did.. but where did it change? How did I go from loving myself, to not loving myself.
Or is it just that I accepted me for me, and now, now that I've come to fear so much, I can no longer accept the same old me, unchanging, vulnerable.
I look at myself and hate what I see.. it's really hard to admit it. But I feel that I want to change SO much in me and about me, to the point where I might as well be someone else? But not be someone else, just be someone else. Haha ok, that probably only makes sense to me. But it's like in the sense that I change so much about myself, that although it's still me, it's not me anymore.
And I don't mean in the sense where I become someone else (that already exist) and just become a copy of someone else. But in the sense that I become someone new, wholly, like a new birth of a person? In that sense.
But at the same time, I look back and see that I've already started to change, things that I didn't want to associate myself with, I've started to accept again. Like part of my roots, that I just sort of pushed away, mainly because it was easier to deal with things if it wasn't in the way, even if it still followed me around everywhere. I've over the past while, been able to start opening that up again. This is a part of me. This is ok. Just because many ppl from these upbringings are of the same mentality, it doesn't make everyone the same. This is ok. Everyone is their own person. And I've started to become more open minded to certain things. Doesn't mean that I've become attracted to specific ppl, but at the same time, I don't shun or push them away, when I find out they share the same roots as me.
This whole issue of preferences, when looking for a s.o. I'm not looking, nor do I feel ready to start, because I firstly need happiness on my own, with myself before I can even think to "branch out". But we're just looking at preferences right now.
I'm attracted (mostly, but not only) to asian men. My friend is attracted (mostly, but not only, as she's not currently with one) Italian men. They are preferences. I don't hear comments along the lines of "eww why Italian men" etc. etc. but I often hear comments "ew why Asian men?"
I don't get it.. why do my preferences need to be approved by others.
I sometimes feel like I shouldn't do or say something so that ppl don't judge me.. and then I realise that I'm trying to please others, instead of not giving a fark and just going along with my life.
I look at other girls, who are big (some bigger than myself) and how they're doing great in a relationship, and think to myself "they're so big but they can be happy, why can't I find that? why can't I acheive that?" and I've realised, that it's not the fact that they're big or not, it has to do with their self-confidence, with their self-esteem, with their self-worth.. and I wonder, where did they learn that? How can I learn that? So that I too can be me, in my own skin, in whatever form that's in?
I had a talk with my mom this past weekend, I was able to admit to things that I didn't think possible. But I did, and it felt a lot better and seems to have done me some good to talk about it. I can't say things are 100% now, but they're better and that's what matters. I'm trying to keep things positive, I've been spending less time online, and I think that's actually helped me some. I was reading some notes this morning, that I had taken last summer, so much for consistency BUT at least they're still there and some of them still linger in my head. They were notes on setting goals, and how you shouldn't take these biiiig goals to work to, in say 5yrs time. The best thing to do is to make livable goals. Like giving yourself something small to work on, on a day to day basis, which can build up to something in 5yrs, but that you can make it more actionable, because you're breaking it down to something you can actually do a bit at a time.
There's also something that keeps replaying in my mind, from one of the books I'm reading (trying to.. I keep putting it aside for so long that when I pick it back up, I have to re-read from the beginning. No matter, the important thing, is that I'm reading it and the parts I'm re-reading, I think it's pushing it more into my thought process). There's this part about learning to love yourself, where you tell yourself that no matter what you do, what you've done today is enough. And in the notes I was reading this morning, he says (the person I was taking notes from), that you should only set a goal of 2 or 3 important things to do in a day.
"Be honest, you probably don't do more than three important things every day. I know I don't. Everyone has a certain amount of energy to get things done with. Everything you do takes up energy. Try to focus on two or three things to get done per day, not a hundred. If you choose to do a couple of things, you'll get them done (and feel good about it). Then, worse case is that you have more time, and you can add one more thing to your to-do list. Remember, these two or three things and important things (i.e. if you could only do three things today, what would they be?)."
So, that plays along with what I'm remembering about what you do in one day, being "enough".
I came to the conclusion, it had been a while, but I refused to speak of it, that I didn't love myself. Because right now, that how I feel. I talked to my mom about it.. like in my book it talks about loving ourselves and how that's a life-long journey. At some point in my life, I think I loved myself. But now, I'm not sure that I do.. and I'm not sure if I ever really did.. I'd like to believe I did.. but where did it change? How did I go from loving myself, to not loving myself.
Or is it just that I accepted me for me, and now, now that I've come to fear so much, I can no longer accept the same old me, unchanging, vulnerable.
I look at myself and hate what I see.. it's really hard to admit it. But I feel that I want to change SO much in me and about me, to the point where I might as well be someone else? But not be someone else, just be someone else. Haha ok, that probably only makes sense to me. But it's like in the sense that I change so much about myself, that although it's still me, it's not me anymore.
And I don't mean in the sense where I become someone else (that already exist) and just become a copy of someone else. But in the sense that I become someone new, wholly, like a new birth of a person? In that sense.
But at the same time, I look back and see that I've already started to change, things that I didn't want to associate myself with, I've started to accept again. Like part of my roots, that I just sort of pushed away, mainly because it was easier to deal with things if it wasn't in the way, even if it still followed me around everywhere. I've over the past while, been able to start opening that up again. This is a part of me. This is ok. Just because many ppl from these upbringings are of the same mentality, it doesn't make everyone the same. This is ok. Everyone is their own person. And I've started to become more open minded to certain things. Doesn't mean that I've become attracted to specific ppl, but at the same time, I don't shun or push them away, when I find out they share the same roots as me.
This whole issue of preferences, when looking for a s.o. I'm not looking, nor do I feel ready to start, because I firstly need happiness on my own, with myself before I can even think to "branch out". But we're just looking at preferences right now.
I'm attracted (mostly, but not only) to asian men. My friend is attracted (mostly, but not only, as she's not currently with one) Italian men. They are preferences. I don't hear comments along the lines of "eww why Italian men" etc. etc. but I often hear comments "ew why Asian men?"
I don't get it.. why do my preferences need to be approved by others.
I sometimes feel like I shouldn't do or say something so that ppl don't judge me.. and then I realise that I'm trying to please others, instead of not giving a fark and just going along with my life.
I look at other girls, who are big (some bigger than myself) and how they're doing great in a relationship, and think to myself "they're so big but they can be happy, why can't I find that? why can't I acheive that?" and I've realised, that it's not the fact that they're big or not, it has to do with their self-confidence, with their self-esteem, with their self-worth.. and I wonder, where did they learn that? How can I learn that? So that I too can be me, in my own skin, in whatever form that's in?
Wednesday, 16 January 2013
Why can't some people realise what they have going for them? They're pursuing their dreams! They're capable of so many great things and capable of working on things that they love. So much so, that's it's not really work, is it? I get the nervousness of waiting to see if you'll be accepted for a job. I've been through that as well. And it's your dream job, so the anxiety is obviously so much stronger. I know it would be for me... if I had a dream job. I don't get anxiety and to fret over whether or not I'll be accepted into the job of my dreams. I don't get that. Nor will I ever. Why? Because I don't have a dream job. I don't know what it is I want to do, something that I'll love. And until I figure it out, I'll never know. Never experience it. I can understand the want to be accepted, the need to feel like you're moving forward. Because I feel that too..only I'm filled with emptiness, because while I want to move forward, while I feel the need that I can no longer stay in the same spot in my life.. I don't know where I'm going. I have no idea how to go about finding what it is that I love. What it is that I can do. I feel like I'm rotting. I'm just rotting away.
While they're still so young, and have all this time ahead of them, their whole lives, even if this one place doesn't accept them now, they still have a chance to get back up, prepare better and try again. While here I am, old, without a clue, haunted by feelings that I'm wasting away. Rotting away.
Is that envy? Jealousy? Mixed with what? Feelings of emptiness? Despair?
While they're still so young, and have all this time ahead of them, their whole lives, even if this one place doesn't accept them now, they still have a chance to get back up, prepare better and try again. While here I am, old, without a clue, haunted by feelings that I'm wasting away. Rotting away.
Is that envy? Jealousy? Mixed with what? Feelings of emptiness? Despair?
Remember how I was talking about ideas of death.. taking my life, etc. I was sitting here, picturing my wrists being sliced..wondering how I'd go about doing it.. maybe I should just drown myself in the tub. And then my kitty would walk by, and I'd be reminded that if I'm not here...there'll be no one to take care of her.
When I suddenly woke up this morning with a need to pee, maybe it was the abrupt way in which I woke and got up, but somehow, I made it to the washroom and I remember gasping for air. There was something wrong, I couldn't breathe. I was dizzy and I wasn't quite wheezing, but it was really hard to breathe. And I remember thinking, "I'm scared to die. I'm scared to die." I tried to compose myself, so that I could get up, walk to where my pumps were. Fumbling. I could barely stand straight, everything was spinning, I couldn't breathe. I got my pumps, one in each hand and made my way to the sofa. I heard something fall, hit the floor. But I couldn't see, I didn't know what fell. When I made it to the sofa, what seems like decades later, I was wondering why I only had one pump in my right hand...what happened to the one in my left hand. I looked up, seeing what had fell...my other pump. The one I need to take first..forced myself up, got to it, grabbed it up putting it in my pocket, came back to the sofa...and passed out.
It's the weirdest feeling to wake up two hour later from a phone call. Weird, because you can't remember what happened after you came back to the sofa, sure that you'd die if you didn't take your pumps.. but you never had the chance.
One could say that I dreamed it all. That if it were real, I'd probably be dead. But my pumps were still in my pocket, right where I had left them, after picking up the fallen one.
I thought my fright from this morning, and my realization that I was scared of dying would at the very least rid me of the thoughts of death.. but there I was, a few hours later, thinking how maybe I'd be better off dead.
When I suddenly woke up this morning with a need to pee, maybe it was the abrupt way in which I woke and got up, but somehow, I made it to the washroom and I remember gasping for air. There was something wrong, I couldn't breathe. I was dizzy and I wasn't quite wheezing, but it was really hard to breathe. And I remember thinking, "I'm scared to die. I'm scared to die." I tried to compose myself, so that I could get up, walk to where my pumps were. Fumbling. I could barely stand straight, everything was spinning, I couldn't breathe. I got my pumps, one in each hand and made my way to the sofa. I heard something fall, hit the floor. But I couldn't see, I didn't know what fell. When I made it to the sofa, what seems like decades later, I was wondering why I only had one pump in my right hand...what happened to the one in my left hand. I looked up, seeing what had fell...my other pump. The one I need to take first..forced myself up, got to it, grabbed it up putting it in my pocket, came back to the sofa...and passed out.
It's the weirdest feeling to wake up two hour later from a phone call. Weird, because you can't remember what happened after you came back to the sofa, sure that you'd die if you didn't take your pumps.. but you never had the chance.
One could say that I dreamed it all. That if it were real, I'd probably be dead. But my pumps were still in my pocket, right where I had left them, after picking up the fallen one.
I thought my fright from this morning, and my realization that I was scared of dying would at the very least rid me of the thoughts of death.. but there I was, a few hours later, thinking how maybe I'd be better off dead.
I'm scared. I'm scared to trust, to open up but most of all, I'm scared of myself.
I was told the last relationship I was in, I was probably in it because of my need for someone. It didn't have to be the person it was, as long as somebody was there. It was a bad relationship, for all the wrong reasons and in the worst possible ways, but I tried so hard to keep it together, even at the cost of my happiness. I wasn't happy at all, I was miserable and hurt and somehow, I felt the need to cling on. I do that.. cling to people. Suck the life right out of them. Trying desperately to fill whatever void it is I have deep within me.
How can I not be scared of me? What I was told, about just me needing someone, that makes me all the more scared. Because when I searched deep down within me, when I looked into what relationship we actually had, I couldn't negate it.
What has become of me? I used to be capable of loving, I mean, yes, that clinging has always been there, but not to the extent where I couldn't at least love the person I was with.
The only time I've ever had the same sort of relationship as my last...was with my first. The type of relationship I swore I'd never allow myself to be in again. But there I was, reliving it 10 yrs later.
What did I do in my past life that I'm plagued in this one? When will I get my break?
I was told the last relationship I was in, I was probably in it because of my need for someone. It didn't have to be the person it was, as long as somebody was there. It was a bad relationship, for all the wrong reasons and in the worst possible ways, but I tried so hard to keep it together, even at the cost of my happiness. I wasn't happy at all, I was miserable and hurt and somehow, I felt the need to cling on. I do that.. cling to people. Suck the life right out of them. Trying desperately to fill whatever void it is I have deep within me.
How can I not be scared of me? What I was told, about just me needing someone, that makes me all the more scared. Because when I searched deep down within me, when I looked into what relationship we actually had, I couldn't negate it.
What has become of me? I used to be capable of loving, I mean, yes, that clinging has always been there, but not to the extent where I couldn't at least love the person I was with.
The only time I've ever had the same sort of relationship as my last...was with my first. The type of relationship I swore I'd never allow myself to be in again. But there I was, reliving it 10 yrs later.
What did I do in my past life that I'm plagued in this one? When will I get my break?
Monday, 14 January 2013
Safe and Sound
I was talking to my best friend recently and he was telling me how I come off as always being excited and chipper. It's hard, y'know? For people to see you as you truly are. Not that I'm not the way he described me, because I am. But that's not always me. I have insecurities and moments where I just feel drained and blah. But for some reason, being with friends and especially being with him, I just get really happy. I think friends are my "happy pill". I'm very thankful for them =)
He and I were talking recently about how life is unfair. And sometimes we'd just wish that we had been born with what ought to have been ours from the beginning. Like he was feeling that way, and I totally get him, because I've felt that way many times. Except maybe because of my personality - where I just tend to look on the bright side of things, not really allowing myself to fret over things I feel I have no control over - I don't dwell on things that can't be changed. Or maybe I don't fret over it because I've learned there's nothing I can do about it by just sulking.
He and I were talking recently about how life is unfair. And sometimes we'd just wish that we had been born with what ought to have been ours from the beginning. Like he was feeling that way, and I totally get him, because I've felt that way many times. Except maybe because of my personality - where I just tend to look on the bright side of things, not really allowing myself to fret over things I feel I have no control over - I don't dwell on things that can't be changed. Or maybe I don't fret over it because I've learned there's nothing I can do about it by just sulking.
Some days...
That moment when you feel like breaking down and crying because emotionally shit just isn't going right. And while you're starting to more and more be plagued with thoughts of taking your life away, you're not selfish enough to go through with it. Who'll take care of my cat? She'd be alone without me. I'm not selfish enough to take my own life, I guess that's a good thing. But what's going on with me? Why, after all this time, has the thought even entered my mind?
And I'm like... I don't even know who to turn to. I can't bother my bestie, 'cause he has his own flusters to deal with..I like how he can rely on his "disorders" to back him up... "oh, I'm like this because of such and such", it's like an exit route. "I can't make these things better because it's part of my disorder's description."
I've never been diagnosed with anything, I've also never been treated for anything. Does that mean I don't have issues? Not everyone spends their life being sent to shrinks to "know what's wrong" just 'cause some people can't afford it, doesn't mean they don't have their own issues to deal with. I don't know, sometimes I feel like, the fact that I'm not diagnosed with anything, I'm not allowed to feel the same way. It's like saying what I've lived through is worth shit because there's not this doctor's certificate pinned to it.
On the other hand, I'm glad I have nothing with a doctor's certificate pinned to it...because I know myself. If I were to have something pinned, I'd accept it as fact, something that cannot be changed and then probably wallow in self-pity. At least this way, I can say, nothing is for certain, I might not actually be this bad...there's something I can do, for sure!
I still get depressed, more and more commonly so, but I don't want to stay that way. A friend told me that my bestie isn't good for me. Not that he's not a good friend, but because he's so negative, that's not good for me and is what's bringing me down..I'm not sure if that's true. I have noticed some changes in me, like my tolerance level and patience going down... but to a certain point, that's been beneficial, because I was too lenient before. Always patient, overly tolerant, even if my being was trampled upon. I think I just need to find a common ground.
I can't help feeling SO frustrated lately. I'm emotionally drained. I'm still battling with things, but I'm brushing things under a rug, so that I can help others out with their problems. Trying to reassure people that their dream job IS in fact a possibility, that they should keep their hopes up, because they have great chances of getting in. At least they KNOW what they want! Look at me! I have no clue, but feel that I should at least have an idea. I thought I did, but it was shot down by someone who should be behind me? Supporting me, giving me hope for what I want..only, I don't have anyone like that. If I want to work for something, I can't look to others to chide me along or root for me.. It's me, on my own. It's stressful and draining to have to up some else's morale but to had no one on the side to help me out. I feel like I'm struggling and drowning myself but nobody wants to help me. They'll take my hand and start to pull but then all of a sudden, the roles are reversed...and there I am, once again, doing the pulling up. My feelings, my emotions, my struggles brushed aside as if they didn't matter. But they do.. and they linger there.. to when I'm alone again, to engulf me once more and drag me down.
And I'm like... I don't even know who to turn to. I can't bother my bestie, 'cause he has his own flusters to deal with..I like how he can rely on his "disorders" to back him up... "oh, I'm like this because of such and such", it's like an exit route. "I can't make these things better because it's part of my disorder's description."
I've never been diagnosed with anything, I've also never been treated for anything. Does that mean I don't have issues? Not everyone spends their life being sent to shrinks to "know what's wrong" just 'cause some people can't afford it, doesn't mean they don't have their own issues to deal with. I don't know, sometimes I feel like, the fact that I'm not diagnosed with anything, I'm not allowed to feel the same way. It's like saying what I've lived through is worth shit because there's not this doctor's certificate pinned to it.
On the other hand, I'm glad I have nothing with a doctor's certificate pinned to it...because I know myself. If I were to have something pinned, I'd accept it as fact, something that cannot be changed and then probably wallow in self-pity. At least this way, I can say, nothing is for certain, I might not actually be this bad...there's something I can do, for sure!
I still get depressed, more and more commonly so, but I don't want to stay that way. A friend told me that my bestie isn't good for me. Not that he's not a good friend, but because he's so negative, that's not good for me and is what's bringing me down..I'm not sure if that's true. I have noticed some changes in me, like my tolerance level and patience going down... but to a certain point, that's been beneficial, because I was too lenient before. Always patient, overly tolerant, even if my being was trampled upon. I think I just need to find a common ground.
I can't help feeling SO frustrated lately. I'm emotionally drained. I'm still battling with things, but I'm brushing things under a rug, so that I can help others out with their problems. Trying to reassure people that their dream job IS in fact a possibility, that they should keep their hopes up, because they have great chances of getting in. At least they KNOW what they want! Look at me! I have no clue, but feel that I should at least have an idea. I thought I did, but it was shot down by someone who should be behind me? Supporting me, giving me hope for what I want..only, I don't have anyone like that. If I want to work for something, I can't look to others to chide me along or root for me.. It's me, on my own. It's stressful and draining to have to up some else's morale but to had no one on the side to help me out. I feel like I'm struggling and drowning myself but nobody wants to help me. They'll take my hand and start to pull but then all of a sudden, the roles are reversed...and there I am, once again, doing the pulling up. My feelings, my emotions, my struggles brushed aside as if they didn't matter. But they do.. and they linger there.. to when I'm alone again, to engulf me once more and drag me down.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)